New Family Friendly Brewery To Lock Kids In Padded Room While Parents Get Shithoused
In a move that has local parents raving, the owner of Enfant Terrible Brewing has announced that its new Greenwood location provides a padded, soundproof room for their howling offspring to bounce around unattended...
Liberated Woman Excited to Leave First Scathing Yelp Review in Months
Following several harrowing months of being deprived the capitalist comforts guaranteed to her by the United States Constitution, a newly liberated Kent woman has heroically returned to her essential work as a prolific, one-star...
Imaginary Girlfriend in Canada Still Unable to Cross Border into U.S.
Local man Lucas Anderson failed to surprise anyone today with an announcement that, despite the opening of the northern U.S. border more than a week ago, his imaginary Canadian girlfriend has still been unable...
Ballard Resident Prepares for Weekend Road-trip to Beacon Hill
Determined to be prepared for the long journey ahead, today Ballard resident Claudia Davis spent the evening carefully planning for her big road trip this weekend all the way to Beacon Hill.
“Don’t get me...
‘You Didn’t See Shit,’ Local Says to California Tourist Witnessing Sunny Seattle Spring
As locals basked in sunshine utterly surrounded by greenery, flowers, sparkling waters, and unbeatable snow-capped mountain views almost too beautiful together to be true, one visitor from California witnessing Seattle’s alleged secret spring was...
Ivar’s Clam Found Shucked in Ongoing Surf-and-Turf Wars
Seattle’s beloved Ivar’s Clam was found shucked just off Pier 54 today, the latest victim in a long-running, citywide surf-and-turf war.
The violent feud began as a series of pranks that escalated into at least...
Lake View Cemetery Pop-Up Christmas Market Actually Kinda Dope
Critics skeptical of the
controversial location for this weekend’s Lake View Cemetery Pop-up Christmas
Market were quickly quieted after realizing that it was actually kinda dope.
“I was ready to be offended by the audacity of someone...
Valentine’s Plans Include Several Torrid Encounters with Delivery Drivers
Determined to avoid a lonely Valentine’s Day, one Phinney Ridge woman has arranged a busy day filled with several tantalizing and torrid contactless encounters with local delivery drivers.
“After spending the last 340 days alone...
Portage Bay Café Brunch Committee Bans Local Woman for Ordering Plain Waffle
The Portage Bay Café Brunch Committee handed down an official decision today to ban local woman Megan Thompson from weekend brunches permanently after finding her guilty of the crime of ordering nothing more interesting...
Suspected Serial Killer Once Again Just Oregon Gas Attendant
A man suspected of stalking his victims at gas stations during road trips through the Beaver State with initially obviously no other intention but to kill was today revealed once again as just a...
