Home Depot Unveils New Line of Succulents That Only Need Water Every Other Weekend for Divorced Plant Daddies
In an effort to cater to their growing divorced plant-daddy demo, today Home Depot announced a new line of “Split-Custody Cacti” that only require...
Report: RFK Jr. Dropped Out of Presidential Race to Focus on Longtime Feud With Sasquatch
After several rumors circulated about what Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was going to do with his spare time after dropping out last week, today...
Light Rail Operator Excited to Finally Find Out What’s in Lynnwood
Ahead of the Lynnwood Station grand opening on Friday, Light Rail Operator Tim Anderson is reportedly excited to finally find out what’s actually in...
Single Man at Brewery Without Dog or Kids Getting Weird Looks From Everybody
A single man’s trip to a local brewery reportedly became awkward today after the absence of a dog or children in tow prompted weird...
Presidents of the USA Relieved by SCOTUS Immunity Decision After Running Over Drifter With Tour Bus
Local band Presidents of the USA were reportedly relieved by last month’s SCOTUS presidential immunity decision after they accidentally ran over a drifter with...
Disappointing: Seattle Public Library Employee Responding to Overdose Fails to Shoot Anyone
Tough on crime critics were reportedly disappointed today after a Seattle Public librarian quickly responded to an overdose, but failed to shoot the man...
Smith Tower Vaporized After Seattle Central Library Accidentally Turns Sunbeam into Death Star Laser
Seattle unexpectedly lost a landmark today after a perfectly angled sunbeam bounced off Seattle Central Library’s windows and accidentally turned into a Death Star...
CEOs Concerned Employees Are ‘Quiet Profiting’ Off Their Labor
The business world was set into a panic today after a new report revealed CEOs have found evidence that their employees have begun doing...
New Study Shows Mystery Liquid at Bottom of Kayak 90% White Claw and Pee
University of Washington researchers published a landmark study today confirming that the lukewarm, beige slurry that’s been sloshing around at the bottom of your...
Sharks Attempt to Repair Image By Eating Their Way Through Forbes 500 List
Following a series of highly publicized attacks on yachts by orca pods, sharks have reportedly jumped on the bandwagon in an attempt to repair...
