Zoom Orgy Just Not the Same
While strict social distancing orders have put a damper on the nation’s Caligulan fuck parties, many of Seattle’s most ardent orgy enthusiasts have turned...
Millennial Homeowner Branded Witch, Pelted with Avocado Toast in Town Square
A raucous scene erupted today after it was discovered that a local millennial actually owns her own home, prompting neighboring renters to brand her...
Target Unveils New High-Waisted Mom Masks
With the need for protective facial masks at an all-time high and Mother’s Day just around the corner, Target has unveiled the new High-Waisted...
Secret Service Agent Kissed in Line of Fire, Saving Joe Biden From Himself
A secret service agent was critically smooched tonight while heroically leaping to protect South Carolina Democratic primary winner, Joe Biden, from yet another attempt...
Fox News Insists Sacrificing Easter Bunny May Be Necessary to Save Economy
With Easter looming and no end to the Coronavirus pandemic in sight, Fox News political pundits have begun to surmise that a sacrifice of...
‘Get Back Here, You Twerp’ Screams Klobuchar, Chasing Shrieking Buttigieg Around Debate Stage
The latest Democratic debate in South Carolina Tuesday night quickly went off the rails as bickering between Senator Amy Klobuchar and Mayor Pete Buttigieg...
Raccoon Elder Council Recommends Washing Food for 20 Seconds with Weird Little Hands
Unable to resist the allure of a hand-washing related hygiene crisis, the Raccoon Elders Council emerged from their reclusive oak hollows and abandoned burrows...
Prolonged Quarantine Threatens to Deplete Local Hygge Reserves
Extra blankets at the ready and tea kettle bubbling, Fremont couple Henry and June Culbert's cozy nights have rapidly turned to quiet desperation as...
Midwest Transplants Mocked for Inability to Canoe Through Downtown in Unceasing Rain
In lieu of last year’s city-incapacitating snowpocalypse, Seattle's ongoing deluge of liquid rain is once again giving local natives the upper hand on handling...
CDC Recommends Indulging in Purell Bath Bombs This #SelfCareSunday
The Center for Disease Control has announced new coronavirus guidelines today, reminding the public of the importance of practicing antibacterial self-care to safeguard against...
