A secret service agent was critically smooched tonight while heroically leaping to protect South Carolina Democratic primary winner, Joe Biden, from yet another attempt to plant a wet one on a local voter.
“The former Vice President laid a pretty big smackaroo on him, but we have word that Agent Clemson is in stable condition and is expected to make a full recovery following this harrowing incident,” said Department of Homeland Security spokesman Bob Talbot. “We try to prepare our agents for every possible scenario at the academy, but there’s nothing that can fully prepare you to intercept a big ol’ sloppy one in a real life scenario. It’s the selfless actions of men like Agent Clemson that make me proud to wake up and serve this country each and every day. I just pray that if my number is ever called up, I’ll have the courage to take a big fat slappy to the mush like our heroic agent did today.”
Needling reporters caught up with Agent Clemson at an undisclosed local hospital, where he received a well-deserved hero’s welcome from friends, family, and community well-wishers.
“I’m no hero, I was just doing my job — any of the guys on my team would have let him snog them senseless to protect this great nation. I had an aunt that would give me these big, slobbery kisses all the time growing up, so I know I can take a few pecks and keep on ticking,” joked Agent Clemson, sitting up in his hospital bed. “At least he wasn’t wearing thick, red lipstick like Aunt Patrice. Doc diagnosed it as a major osculation, prescribed me some Valtrex, but said I’ll be back out there in no time.”
Biden reportedly spent a quiet moment thanking Agent Clemson’s family, kissing each of them on the neck and smelling their hair in turn.
