Mississippi Flag to Be Replaced with Crumpled Lynyrd Skynyrd T-Shirt
Following the shocking announcement that Mississippi would finally be retiring its controversial Confederacy-themed state flag, Mississippi Governor Reeves announced today that their new flag...
Mega Yacht in Elliott Bay Sure Sign Some Fucked Up Rich Guy Shit Going Down
A glamorous mega-yacht has made a surprise appearance in Elliott Bay overnight, leaving curious Seattle residents and local reporters to speculate what kind of...
Gatesville Named Official Casket Partner of the National Football League
As the NFL forges ahead with its planned regular season, Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that they have secured a record-breaking sponsorship deal with...
‘Climate Pledge Arena’ Sign Removed After Speaking Out About Climate Change
Mere hours after Amazon announced that they had bought Key Arena and renamed it Climate Pledge Arena, Jeff Bezos announced that the sign was...
Archaeologists Unearth Ancient 5G Towers Responsible for Black Plague
In what many are calling a world-shattering discovery, archaeologists in England have unearthed a series of massive, ancient 5G towers that have been determined...
Congress Antitrust Hearing Begins With 2-Hour Bezos Testimony on How Printers Work
Virtual proceedings of the historic Congressional Antitrust Hearings were marred by technical difficulties today when Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner spent two hours grilling Amazon CEO...
East Precinct Cops Struggling to Intimidate Protesters Remotely
Following the withdrawal of police forces from Seattle’s East Precinct, many displaced police officers are reportedly struggling to adapt to a remote workplace, finding...
Sportsball Fans Excited to Mock Seattle’s New Slappy Disc Team
With the debut of Seattle’s new hockey team name today, the region’s Sportsball fans announced that they have also landed on a new, condescending...
SPD Bans Tear Gas Until Next Shipment Arrives
After repeated calls to end the use of tear gas on peaceful Black Lives Matter protesters during a pandemic, the Seattle Police Department has...
Betsy DeVos Deploys Child Shield to Save Self From Sneezing Man
U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was shaken today following an incident that forced her to grab a nearby child to shield herself from...
