Israel Wins Oscar for Best Performance as ‘Victim’ in Ongoing Genocide
Despite stiff competition from the greatest actors in the world, tonight Israel won the Oscar for Best Performance as “Victim” in Ongoing Genocide, which it also self-directed.
“Sorry, Bradley! This one’s all ours,” said a...
Embarrassing: UW Cherry Trees Prematurely Blossom All Over Quad
An embarrassing incident unfolded at the University of Washington today after its world-famous cherry trees prematurely blossomed all over the Quad, well before the start of spring.
“It was just so sunny and beautiful today,...
Man Cosplays as ‘Person Who Can Afford Student Loan Payments’ at Emerald City Comic Con
Today local fantasy world enthusiast, 31-year-old Greg, announced he’ll be cosplaying at this weekend’s Emerald City Comic Con as someone who can afford student loan payments.
“Last year I dressed up as someone whose parents...
Best Local Church Can Offer Man Seeking Super Bowl-Advertised Foot Wash Is Ash Rubbed In Face
One local man seeking the free Christian foot wash advertised during the Super Bowl this last weekend walked away from Seattle’s St. James Cathedral absolutely confused tonight after they said the best they could...
Local Shelters Running Dangerously Low on Cats for Women Who Have Recently Deleted Dating Apps
A recent surge in women deleting all of their dating apps to instead spend time cuddling in bed with a different kind of furry pal has local pet shelters running dangerously low on cats...
Landlord Wouldn’t Have Rented You This Apartment If They Knew You Were Gonna Be All Uptight About Needing a Front Door
A local landlord was left in disbelief today after one of the tenants had the nerve to complain about their missing front door.
“After all the windows I painted over for you, this is how...
Seattle Boat Show All Just Hot Tub Boats
Thousands of annual Seattle Boat Show attendees were surprised this weekend to find that instead of yachts and sailboats, everything at the Lumen Field Event Center was just hot-tub boats now.
“What happened to this...
Scientists Discover Aging Reversible After Local 38-Year-Old Recognizes More Than 3 Names on CHBP Lineup
Scientists made the groundbreaking discovery today that a person’s age can be reversed by as much as 20 years after local 38-year-old, Sarah Hawkins, recognized five entire names on this year’s Capitol Hill Block...
Kinky! This Winter Rain Prefers Edging Just Above the Freezing Point to Blowing a Load of Snow
No one has made more of a splash in the Seattle kink scene this season than local BDSM queen Winter Rain, who has spent the entire season edging just above the freezing point to...
Study Confirms Seattleites Pretend to Read More Books Than Any Other City
A study released today solidified Seattle’s reputation as an intellectual capital of the world after it confirmed that more Seattleites pretend to read more books per capita than any other city on Earth.
“It’s undeniable...
