Unkempt Skagit Valley Tulips Engulf La Conner
A year’s worth of out-of-control, untended-to tulips descended upon La Conner, home of last year’s cancelled Skagit Valley Tulip Festival, engulfing the bulbous town on the first day of spring in a terrifying tsunami...
Metro Transit to Offer Special ‘Chase That Bus’ Outdoor Fitness Classes
Fan favorite King County Metro announced today that they will begin offering a new service for area residents during the pandemic: cardio classes modeled after the popular urban pastime of sprinting after the bus.
“Surveys...
Panicked Introverts Begin Inventing New Excuses as Vaccine Rolls Out
As vaccine rollouts continue at a remarkable pace, reports indicate frightened introverts across the nation have begun the long, difficult process of creating new lies and fabrications to avoid their friends and loved ones...
Shocking! Controlling Man Declines Offer to Control Own Damn Self
Despite being a big fan of controlling how women, people of color and low-income residents should live their lives, local control freak, cop and Caucasian man Hank Robertson has shockingly declined all offers to...
Local Q-Anon Oscar Nominees Thank Academy of Child-Eating Lizardmen for Conspiring to Bestow Distinct Honor
Washington state Q-Anon stars of Borat Subsequent Moviefilm humbly thanked the Academy of Child-Eating Lizardmen today for conspiring to bestow upon them recognition for their contributions to the film’s now Oscar-nominated screenplay.
“Even though this...
Jesus Hits Snooze Button, Will Rise Again Once Everyone Is Vaccinated
Son of God, Jesus Christ, announced this morning his annual resurrection re-enactment has officially been postponed by snooze button as he continues sleeping in until everyone is vaccinated.
“Just text me when you guys are...
Jesus Returns, Sees Tech Bro Riding a Onewheel, Reascends
The firstborn son of the creator of the universe, Jesus Harrison Christ, briefly returned to Earth this morning before witnessing a young human man zipping around South Lake Union on a Onewheel and then...
Son Successfully Lures Dad to Vaccination Appointment with $25 Treat from Tommy Bahama
With the time window for his 67-year-old father’s priority vaccine access almost over, exasperated local son Garrett Hearns said he’s finally coaxed his father into saving his own life after promising him a sweet...
KEXP Holds Eddie Vedder Hostage Until Pledge Goal Met
In a shocking turn of events, it has become apparent that KEXP officials have kidnapped Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder, and are holding him hostage inside of the radio station’s abandoned Gathering Space.
The...
Family Panics as Local Woman Reaches Tie-dye Phase of Pandemic
After assuming they had made it through the worst of a year-long lockdown as vaccine appointments draw closer, one local woman’s parents and siblings are struggling to come to terms with her reaching the...
