Washington Middle School Music Teacher Probably High AF
The organic music teaching methods of Daryl “Snacking Eagle” Matthewson have the majority of his Washington Middle School colleagues agreeing that he is, most likely, high as fuck.
Local educators could not confirm whether the...
Lauren Sanchez Left at Home After Jeff Bezos Only Able to Score One Taylor Swift Ticket
Trouble in paradise is brewing for Jeff Bezos today after he made the controversial decision to leave his fiancée, Lauren Sanchez, at home when he was only able to score one ticket to see...
Oscars ‘Multiverse Stream’ Treats Viewers to Timeline Where Will Smith Slaps Chris Rock with Hot Dog Fingers
After struggling with ratings over the past decade, producers for the 2023 Oscars decided to experiment with a new “multiverse stream” format in which one timeline culminated with Will Smith slapping Chris Rock with...
Man Irritated by Pride Month Excited to Celebrate 1/37th Irish Heritage
Today one local man took a break from his usual dislike of bright colors and bold celebrations of community pride, especially in June, to celebrate that he is—at most—1/37th Irish.
“Every St. Patrick’s Day, I’m...
Awestruck Man Riding Great Wheel Could See House From Here If He Could Afford One
One awestruck man enjoying the view from the Great Wheel today exclaimed that he could probably see his house from all the way up here, if he could hypothetically afford one.
“The view is just...
Zoom Nutcracker Performance Includes Live Nutcracking on Living Room Furniture
In its new and original take on The Nutcracker, Pacific Northwest Ballet’s Zoom performances of the seasonal classic feature some of its most talented dancers participating virtually from home complete with more live nutcracking...
Man Laments Closing Of Local Businesses He Never Frequents
While attending a birthday party he organized at The Hard Rock Cafe, Seattle resident Allan Williams mourned the loss of several local businesses, none of which he’s ever been to.
“I heard such good things...
Shocking! Controlling Man Declines Offer to Control Own Damn Self
Despite being a big fan of controlling how women, people of color and low-income residents should live their lives, local control freak, cop and Caucasian man Hank Robertson has shockingly declined all offers to...
Local Woman Quells Anxiety About End of Mask Requirements with Weighted Gravity Mask
One local woman says she’s finally found a way to allay her anxieties about the gradual end of mask requirements by wearing a colorful assortment of 2.5-pound weighted gravity masks.
“I know it sounds weird,...
‘U Up?’ Text Steadily Migrating Closer to 10 p.m. With Each Passing Year
In what used to be a regular 2 a.m. ritual, one aging fuckboy’s late-night hookup texts have steadily migrated closer to an optimal bedtime each year since passing the age of 30.
“Back in college...
