Newly Single Bill Gates Worried Date Only Into Him for His Tankards of Orphan Blood
Despite being completely fresh on the market with no strings attached, a newly single Bill Gates said he’s concerned the young employee he’s dating tonight is only into him for his tankards of orphan...
Local Woman Quells Anxiety About End of Mask Requirements with Weighted Gravity Mask
One local woman says she’s finally found a way to allay her anxieties about the gradual end of mask requirements by wearing a colorful assortment of 2.5-pound weighted gravity masks.
“I know it sounds weird,...
Local Man Torn Between Hatred of Christianity, Love of Peeps
As Easter approaches, Madrona resident Shaun Sigmon is once again agonizingly torn between his overwhelming hatred of the Christian faith and his sinful infatuation with sweet, sugary Peeps.
“Oh, infinite void, why hast thou forsaken...
‘U Up?’ Text Steadily Migrating Closer to 10 p.m. With Each Passing Year
In what used to be a regular 2 a.m. ritual, one aging fuckboy’s late-night hookup texts have steadily migrated closer to an optimal bedtime each year since passing the age of 30.
“Back in college...
Next Season of Naked and Afraid to Be Filmed in the Amazon Balls
Quickly overshadowing Monday’s local reality TV news that Renton native Katie Thurston will be star of ABC’s next Bachelorette, the Discovery Channel announced today that the next season of Naked and Afraid will be...
Boomer Whispers ‘Vegan’ In Same Hushed Tone as ‘Cancer’
At a family gathering today, local baby boomer Aunt Patty shared news of millennial niece Grace Wilson’s decision to go vegan in the same discreet, hushed voice used to discuss a horrific, life-altering disease.
“I’m...
Ballard Man “Likes the Idea” of Woodworking
In addition to hobbies such as sneering at beer and recounting unlistenable fishing stories, Ballard man Cole Wilkinson recently toyed with enjoying “the idea” of woodworking.
“I’m really intrigued by the idea of creating something...
Seattle Woman Celebrating Unseasonable Warmth With Long Walks Along Beaches Of Hyrule
For the past week, Seattleites have enjoyed uncharacteristically warm, sunny days and Ballard resident Natalie Stahl says she's no exception as she enjoys long, virtual walks along the beaches of Hyrule.
“I’ve been meaning...
Uncharismatic Dog Not Up to Task of Carrying Tinder Profile
In addition to his full schedule of dogly duties, local canine companion Mr. Beefington has reportedly not been posing charismatically enough for his owner to nab a decent date off Tinder.
“I love Mr. Beefington...
Lil Nas X Tells All About Filming Hell Scenes for ‘Montero’ in Cle Elum
Rapper Lil Nas X revealed today that his instant hit video for "Montero (Call Me By Your Name)" was saved from going over-budget simply by filming the scenes for Hell in Cle Elum, Wash.
"We...
