Man Who Hasn’t Changed Sheets In A Year Thinks Downtown Is Disgusting
From the safety of stiff, crusty sheets he hasn’t washed in more than a year, this afternoon Ballard resident Kevin Pilbasian announced to all two of his prospective Tinder matches that he’ll meet for...
Couple Gives Up Firstborn to Fremont Troll in Exchange for Hamilton Tickets
With the cost of Hamilton tickets reaching upwards of $1,000, today one Seattle couple made final preparations to hand over their firstborn to the Fremont Troll with the promise of two Mezzanine seats at...
Macklemore Purchases Small Percentage of Seattle Kraken, Finally Receives Long-Awaited Minority Status
After years of hard work and purchasing a small percentage of the Seattle Kraken hockey team to become one of its minority owners, local rapper and native son Macklemore said he’s finally basking in...
PacMed Building Not Haunted, Just Has Resting Tower-of-Terror Face
After decades of scaring children and adults alike into thinking a haunted, evil villain’s headquarters plucked straight out of Gotham City was perched up on Beacon Hill, the PacMed Building revealed in a tell-all...
Discovery of Ancient Temple of the Dog Liner Notes Could Serve as Rosetta’s Stone to Decipher Eddie Vedder Lyrics
Seattle’s music scene was abuzz today after the discovery of an ancient Temple of the Dog record with intact liner notes gave grunge scholars hope that they may now hold a Rosetta’s Stone to...
UW Cherry Blossoms Just Want to Ejaculate Pollen in Peace
In an unprecedented press conference today in The Quad, University of Washington cherry blossom trees announced all they want is to just ejaculate some pollen in peace this spring.
“We know leaving us alone at...
Climate-Conscious Realtor Listing Waterfront Homes 2 Miles Inland
As the manmade climate disaster marches ever forward, one climate-conscious realtor is taking a proactive approach to the impending environmental apocalypse by listing waterfront homes two miles inland from any current local shoreline.
“For years,...
Wallingford Community Council Says No to Egg Hunts in Their Backyards
In a unanimous decision today, the Wallingford Community Council voted no on allowing egg hunts in any of their aspirational historic district’s backyards for Easter this year.
"I'm not opposed to Easter egg hunts—I just...
Breaking: Ben Gibbard’s Hair Still Looks Like That
According to several witnesses who just strolled down Pine on Capitol Hill, it appears Death Cab for Cutie’s frontman Ben Gibbard is still cutting his hair like that.
“I was just walking down the street...
KOMO News Wordle Just ‘CRIME’ Again
Word puzzle enthusiasts woke up this morning to discover that the daily KOMORDLE, the KOMO News version of the national sensation Wordle, was just “CRIME” again for the 97th straight day.
“Look, if ‘HOMELESS’ or...
