Immediately following a trip to Ace Hardware to get their barbecue propane tanks refilled, today the nation’s white dads announced their plan during a Forged in Fire commercial break to chop some shit up on Father’s Day.
“I’m talking tree branches, logs, scrap pieces of plywood, old gutters, empty cardboard boxes we kept for 12 years in case we had to take the TV back, that tote in the basement full of miscellaneous wires from the 90’s that no one knows what is for anymore. You name it, I’m going to chop it to pieces today, ” said Gary Davis, spokesperson for hundreds of millions of white dads across the nation. “The chopping will take place from 4:45 AM until one of our kids puts a movie on that we aren’t sure of but watch anyways while standing near the entrance to the TV room.”
While Father’s Day is Father’s Day for every father of every racial background, the day is primarily known to white fathers as the day they remind their families Shining-style that underneath it all, they are—just as suspected—actual, literal sociopaths.
“For almost a year now I’ve been building up a stockpile of wooden pallets in preparation for today,” said area dad Doug McDougal, 56, while proudly standing over his hoard. “There’s just something about taking a large pile of things and chopping them down into smaller things. I live for that shit. This is going to be so much better than getting a fucking tie for Father’s Day.”
At press time, the nation’s white dads announced that they would love it if you could bring them a half soda water half cranberry juice while they continue to chop shit up.
