After two weeks of deliberation, today the esteemed Laurelhurst Community Council generously agreed to let sick and severely injured airlifted children live instead of die from unnecessarily delayed care in an unnecessary ambulance ride a mile away from Seattle Children’s.
“As much fun as it was to demand oversight of the degree of children’s injuries and illnesses and definitely nothing else to see if they deserved being taken directly to the hospital, today we’ve graciously decided to stop weighing in on decisions that could’ve delayed care and killed your children,” said Council President Colleen McAleer, whose main qualifications for being on the Medical Review Committee were being rich and having sensitive ears. “Your children are now allowed to live after being given the best and fastest care Seattle Children’s can give—but only if we still get to fire any nurses who dare park in our neighborhood, okay? We have to keep up the illusion that we live in a private gated community when we actually don’t at all somehow. It hurts our feelings too much when people remind us we couldn’t afford Broadmoor.”
The city hailed the magnanimous neighborhood for kindly sacrificing the quiet ambience of their waterfront mansions’ weekend barbecues to maybe hear a Life Flight helicopter sometimes.
“It’s really so kind and selfless of them to allow a children’s hospital they chose to buy a home near to operate as a children’s hospital—I mean, wow,” said Seattle Times Publisher Ryan Blethen before penning a glowing editorial about the local philanthropists. “They could have afforded to live anywhere else, but they chose to live next to a hospital, then bully a hospital, then choose to stop bullying a hospital and its patients—humanitarians of the year right here, no contest.”
At press time, Laurelhurst residents were turning their attention to benevolently blocking the Millionaires Tax after reviewing which children and teachers deserve fully funded public schools and healthcare.
