ICE confirmed today that its agents are in fact now waiting at the base of trees to zip-tie leaves in bags the moment they turn brown and then carry them away in unmarked vans to unknown locations.
“When I look around American streets lately, all I see is brown and I for one am sick of it,” said one agent so proud of his relative white beauty he hides behind a gaiter that definitely isn’t giving him adult acne. “Not a single one can even speak English.”
When brown leaves aren’t cooperating by falling to the ground on-command, agents have in some cases called in back-up Black Hawk helicopter support to bring them down.
“Some people thank us and some from the woke mob want us to stop because they say they love fall colors—all of them,” said one agent rolling his eyes before pouncing on a pile of brown leaves on the ground and stuffing them into a bag. “Someone’s gotta clean up these streets. Can’t wait to send these guys on a $5,000 flight to Uganda.”
At press time, one local homeowner said he was surprised it was ICE agents who had been bagging and taking away his fallen leaves every day.
“I just assumed they were garbage men.”
