Donald Trump suddenly reversed his stance on tariffs after an intern made the rookie mistake of saying an even newer word in his company, reports a frustrated insider.
“The other day, this big, husky steel mill worker ran up to me and said, ‘Oh, Mr. Trump, please—save me, save me from these awful tariffs,’ and I said ‘tariffs? Who the hell is this guy and what is he talking about?’ Believe me, tariffs don’t work,” Trump meandered. “I’m excited to announce that the great United States of America, and a lot of people are even saying Canada, too—wow, wouldn’t that be something—is changing course on tariffs and instead deploying the National Guard to perform an elaborate, very complicated bank heist in China. It’ll be like that movie Ocean’s Eleven—fantastic movie, just watched it—except we’re also stealing TikTok.”
An energetic JD Vance praised Trump’s sudden pivot before becoming sidetracked by his sugar high withdrawal and subsequent tummy ache.
“It’s another fantastic idea that will usher America back to being great again for the third time, although I’m pretty sure Trump didn’t actually watch Ocean’s Eleven,” JD Vance scoffed while sitting beneath a signed Ocean’s Eleven poster in his game room. “Like, Ocean’s Eleven is probably the greatest movie ever, and I’ve seen it at least a billion times since it came out. No way Trump likes Ocean’s Eleven as much as me, but yeah, stealing money from China would be absolutely sick! I get to be Brad Pitt though. If he makes me be George Clooney, I’m going to scream and hold my breath until I pass out.”
At press time, Trump cancelled the heist and held an emergency meeting to discuss giant, mechanical spiders after stumbling on a YouTube clip from Wild Wild West.
