“He Is Risen” Proclaim Bernie Faithful 3 Years Post-DNC Crucifixion

Bernie Sanders’ faithful followers are rejoicing this morning to see him baring political battle wounds once feared mortal. Calling the comeback a miracle to be celebrated for ages...

Presidential Hopeful Jay Inslee Touts Seattle Freeze As Answer to Global Warming

In a CNN Town Hall aired live Wednesday night, Wash. State Governor Jay Inslee argued he was uniquely qualified to elevate public discourse on climate change in the 2020 presidential debates because...

Seattle Man Sells Out to Big Umbrella

In a shocking move that rattled friends and relatives, Pacific Northwest native and temperate climate shill Rick Frink caved and bought an umbrella. “My father raised me to just pull my...

Tragedy Strikes Local Who Went to Paris That One Time

Following the burning of Paris’ Notre-Dame Cathedral on Monday, local wanderluster Bethany Pierce took to social media to voice the personal tragedy she’s now experiencing right here in the Pacific Northwest.

Aurora Sex Workers Introduce “Good to Blow!” Pass for Easy Billing

In an effort to streamline the payment process, sex workers on Aurora Avenue have collaborated with Washington State Dept of Transportation (WSDOT) to bring customers the “Good to Blow!” pass. 

The Needling Moving to Print Only

After much deliberation, the publisher of The Needling reports that the only way to save Seattle’s Only Real Fake News is moving the publication to print only. “We...

Overpopulated Tech Bros Airlifted and Relocated to Olympic Peninsula

With spring mating season just around the corner, Seattle Parks and Recreation has already gotten to work on relocating the city’s overpopulated herds of tech bros to the Olympic Peninsula.

Local Man Dies at Axe-Throwing Bar, Obviously

The Seattle Police Department has confirmed a man with a pre-partied posse of his boys died at Capitol Hill axe-throwing bar Blade & Timber Friday night, as expected.

Breaking: Officials File Report on Lenin Statue’s Ties to Russia

A report first made accessible to losers who don't start their weekends by early Friday afternoon will determine once and for all if Fremont's Lenin statue can continue on with civilian life...

#TBT: 5 Top-Read Posts for February

If you were buried so deep in an igloo last month that you missed last February's top-read posts, fret not: 1. Howard Schultz Promises to Move Nation's Capitol...

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