Short-staffed Hospitals Implement Self-Checkout Lanes for Unvaccinated Patients
Overwhelmed nurses at overcrowded local hospitals received real relief for the first time in two years this week with the welcome introduction of self-checkout lanes for unvaccinated patients.
“This is a win-win-win,” said Harborview nurse...
Report: Nation’s Dogs Working on New COVID Variant in Attempt to Keep Owners at Home
A shocking report leaked today reveals that the nation’s dogs are currently in development of the next COVID-19 variant in an attempt to keep their owners from going into the office or travelling ever...
Researchers Confirm Unread Anti-racism Books Double as Shield Against All Accusations of Racism
After more than a year of rigorous investigation, researchers at Seattle Public Schools’ administration office confirmed findings today proving that holding up unread books on anti-racism double as a literal shield against all accusations...
Interrogation of Local Meteorologist About Chances of White Christmas Enters Day Five
Now on their fifth grueling day of interrogating Seattle National Weather Service meteorologist Stan Hodges in a dark basement, local reporters investigating whether we’re looking at a White Christmas next week say they’re still...
Mass Exodus of Unvaccinated Cops to Finally Protect and Serve Community
After years of being asked to protect and serve the City of Seattle, at least a third of Seattle Police Department officers say they’re finally ready to do it via a mass exodus when...
Whoa! Seattle Man Wearing Carhartt Overalls Actually Has Done Single Day of Manual Labor in Entire Life
Defying all stereotypes of relatively affluent people co-opting working-class attire to look like affluent people who don’t want to seem too affluent but still obviously kind of are, one Seattle man wearing Carhartt overalls...
Local Woman Can’t Escape Café, Watching Everyone’s Stuff for a Second
Rescue crews are still attempting to extract a woman trapped on a Diva Espresso café patio in Broadview this evening after the woman promised to watch everyone’s laptops “for just a second.”
“I’ve seen it...
Climate Change Officially Undeniable as Mariners Catch Fire for First Time in Ages
A worldwide consortium of scientists confirmed this morning that climate change is officially undeniable after even the Mariners caught fire for the first time in ages last night.
“Unfortunately, there just isn’t any other way...
‘COVID Ruined My Social Skills,’ Says Man Who Never Had Them to Begin With
At a weekend gathering of friends, local resident Eli Weber was reportedly quick to blame his complete lack of tact, grace and general unpleasantness in any sort of group gathering on COVID despite having...
Gum Wall Begins to Disappear as Vaccinated Residents Think ‘Sure, What the Hell’
Post Alley has transformed into a scene straight out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory today as vaccinated adults ravage the once-beloved landmark, nibbling on gum that has lived on the wall since the...
