Epidemiologists Trace Origin of New COVID Subvariant Name ‘Kraken’ to Rabid Canucks Fan
After weeks of investigating the source of the new COVID subvariant name, Kraken, today epidemiologists at the University of Washington confirmed it definitely came from a Vancouver scientist who grew up with a Henrik...
Macklemore Spotted Lurking Near Climate Pledge Arena Just in Case Kraken Need a Rally Song
With baseball season over and hockey season underway, today local musician Macklemore was spotted lurking near Climate Pledge Arena just in case the Kraken needed a last-minute rally song.
“Wow, funny running into you here!...
Russell Wilson Quietly Hoping There’s Also ‘Denver Freeze’ to Explain Lack of Fans
Following Russell Wilson’s chilly reception to start the Denver chapter of his career, the quarterback is reportedly hoping there’s also a “Denver Freeze” to explain his lack of fan support so far.
“Brrr, I knew...
Scientists Predict Ice in Climate Pledge Arena to Melt by End of Season
Just days before the Seattle Kraken’s first regular season home game this Saturday a disturbing new scientific study out today says that the ice at Climate Pledge Arena could completely melt by the end...
Quiz: Is It Organ Failure or Did You Just Watch That Mariners Game?
Your knees are weak, there’s an unmistakable taste of bile in your mouth, and your stomach feels like you’ve just eaten a half-dozen questionable oysters—are you currently in the throes of organ failure, or...
Fremont Troll Clarifies Kraken Mascot Only Related by Marriage
After the Seattle Kraken unveiled their new mascot, Buoy, was the nephew of the Fremont Troll, the beloved local bridge troll was quick to clarify that the polarizing addition to the local sports scene...
God Clears Schedule to Watch Russell Wilson Smite the Seahawks
Ahead of a Monday Night Football matchup between the Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos, God has reportedly cleared his schedule to watch Russell Wilson’s first primetime smiting of his scorned former team.
“Ooo, this is...
Mariners Wear New All-Leather Uniforms to Edge Fans for One Last Day
The Mariners surprised the sold-out crowd at T-Mobile Park today with all-leather home alternate uniforms to better edge their fans’ playoff division series hopes for one last day in one of the longest playoff...
Adam Frazier Bobblehead Night Mix-up Sends Mariners Fans Home with Frasier Figurines
Mariners fans were confused AF today after a manufacturing mix-up ahead of Adam Frazier Bobblehead Night instead sent attendees home with a figurine of 90s Seattle sitcom character Frasier Crane.
“Some guy from the Mariners’...
UW Quarterback Michael Penix Hasn’t Heard That One Before
After 22 years of living with the name Michael Penix Jr., the Husky star quarterback reported with delight at a pre-game press conference that he hasn’t heard that one before.
“Did you just come up...
