Presidents of the USA Relieved by SCOTUS Immunity Decision After Running Over Drifter With Tour Bus
Local band Presidents of the USA were reportedly relieved by last month’s SCOTUS presidential immunity decision after they accidentally ran over a drifter with...
Poll Shows Your Mother Wishes You Called as Much as the DNC
A new poll of voters who still have landlines released today confirmed that your mother wishes you called as much as the DNC.
“Our poll...
Childless Woman with Cat Allergies Just Wants to Feel Included in Misogynist Tirades
While J.D. Vance continued insulting childless cat ladies—from billionaire Taylor Swift on down to humble toe-bean counters—as worthless burdens on society who contribute nothing,...
CEOs Concerned Employees Are ‘Quiet Profiting’ Off Their Labor
The business world was set into a panic today after a new report revealed CEOs have found evidence that their employees have begun doing...
U.S. Prison Laborers Still Waiting for Union Army to Show Up and Declare Slavery Over
As the US celebrated Juneteenth—the day Union troops finally arrived in Texas to free black people from slavery—black people still forced to do free...
JD Vance Sued by Ex-Couch for Failing to Pay Ottoman Support
After spending the week denying allegations that he’s had extramarital sexual relations with a couch, today damning legal records confirm he’s not only copulated...
Local MAGA Man Just Wants More Freedom to Take Away All Your Freedoms
After heated political rhetoric about conservatives’ Project 2025 plans allegedly led to political violence over the weekend when former president Donald Trump was almost...
‘Our Country Is Better Than This,’ Says Country That Has Never Been Better Than This
Today millions of citizens of a country that is not even close to being better than this and never has been talked about how...
Boeing to Leave Starliner Stuck in Space to Prove It Still Makes Things That Don’t Fall Out of the Sky
After days of speculation about when it will be able to safely detach from the International Space Station and return to Earth, today Boeing...
Sharks Attempt to Repair Image By Eating Their Way Through Forbes 500 List
Following a series of highly publicized attacks on yachts by orca pods, sharks have reportedly jumped on the bandwagon in an attempt to repair...
