Portrait in Jimmy Carter’s Attic Looking Hella Good
Suspicions triggered every time the public sees current photos of President Jimmy Carter were confirmed today when historians found an old portrait of the 100-year-old statesman in his attic looking hella snatched.
“Despite a Dorian...
First President to Honor Indigenous Peoples’ Day Treats Self to a Little Genocide
In honor of being the first United States president to comemmorate Indigenous Peoples' Day, today President Joe Biden treated himself to a little genocide.
“I’ve been a trailblazer these last four years, which included me...
Boeing Assures Public Blue Angels Are Safe Because They’re Made for the Military, Not You People
After spending the first half of the year obliterating the public’s confidence in their ability to safely assemble planes and spaceships, today Boeing assured everyone that the Blue Angels they built are safe because...
Report: RFK Jr. Dropped Out of Presidential Race to Focus on Longtime Feud With Sasquatch
After several rumors circulated about what Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was going to do with his spare time after dropping out last week, today a new report reveals he’s made the decision to revive...
Mendenhall Glacier Claims It Isn’t Melting, ‘It’s Just Allergies!’
After being spotted dripping everywhere and generally not looking well, today Alaska's Mendenhall Glacier insisted it was only experiencing bad allergies and that it was definitely not slowly melting to death due to climate...
VP Harris Reaffirms Israel’s Right to Keep Recklessly Killing Its Own Hostages
In a stirring, inspiring and history-making speech as she formally accepted the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Vice President Kamala Harris forcefully reaffirmed Israel’s right to not let the survival of its own...
Trump Rages at Kalama in Latest Unhinged Rant
The emotional and mental stability of Donald Trump was called further into question today as he moved on from unhinged rants on Truth Social about Biden coming back into the presidential race to raging...
Presidents of the USA Relieved by SCOTUS Immunity Decision After Running Over Drifter With Tour Bus
Local band Presidents of the USA were reportedly relieved by last month’s SCOTUS presidential immunity decision after they accidentally ran over a drifter with their tour bus this morning.
“At first, we were like shit,...
Poll Shows Your Mother Wishes You Called as Much as the DNC
A new poll of voters who still have landlines released today confirmed that your mother wishes you called as much as the DNC.
“Our poll shows that in major battleground states like Michigan, your mother...
Childless Woman with Cat Allergies Just Wants to Feel Included in Misogynist Tirades
While J.D. Vance continued insulting childless cat ladies—from billionaire Taylor Swift on down to humble toe-bean counters—as worthless burdens on society who contribute nothing, one local childless and catless woman with cat allergies said...
