National Weather Service Ordered to Deport La Niña
Under the threat of even more mass layoffs, today President Donald Trump ordered the National Weather Service to deport Pacific weather pattern La Niña.
“We...
Sen. Patty Murray Busted Embezzling Extra Hour of Sunshine
Just weeks after re-introducing a legislative effort to make Daylight Savings Time permanent, U.S. Senator for Washington State Patty Murray was busted embezzling the...
Shirtless Steve Bannon Wins Ugly Sweater Contest
In a surprising finale to this year's CPAC Holiday Party, a shirtless Steve Bannon took home top honors in the evening's spotlight event, the...
Amazon Cuts Out Middle Man, Will Now Steal Your Packages Themselves
Today Amazon announced their commitment to offering a full-service shopping experience, which now includes stealing deliveries right off your porch themselves."Our business model has...
Emaciated Coca-Cola Polar Bears Maul Coke CEO
Tired of decades of habitat loss and starvation, today the beloved Coca-Cola Polar Bears reportedly took matters into their own paws by mauling the...
Bill Nye Awarded Medal of Freedom for Discovering What Happens When You Eat Marshmallows Dipped in Nitrogen
For the extraordinary scientific feat of discovering and then showing as many people as possible what happens when you eat marshmallows dipped in liquid...
Trump Pardons Howard Schultz for Moving Supersonics to Oklahoma City
President Trump's pardon spree continued today after he announced that he would formally pardon Howard Schultz for the unforgivable crime of moving the Seattle...
Leashed Mark Zuckerberg Introduced as Trump’s First Presidential Pet
American history was made today after President Trump introduced a leashed Mark Zuckerberg as his first official presidential pet.
"We always wondered why President Trump...
New Study Finds 90% of Cat Owners Experience oofjfjjggigiiiiifohhhjjfjfjjjjj))))))))))))))
A new study published today suggests that up to 90% of cat owners experience oofjfjjggigiiiiifohhhjjfjfjjjjj)))))))))))))) the moment they leave their keyboard unattended.
"During a new...
Boeing Reflexively Publishes Apology Statement
Despite no evidence that the most tragic airplane crash over U.S. soil in years had anything to do with Boeing’s increasingly questionable manufacturing practices,...
