RFK Jr. Debuts New Free School Lunch Program
In his first order of business after the Senate confirmed him as President Donald Trump’s Health Secretary, today RFK Jr. unveiled the nation’s first...
Leashed Mark Zuckerberg Introduced as Trump’s First Presidential Pet
American history was made today after President Trump introduced a leashed Mark Zuckerberg as his first official presidential pet.
"We always wondered why President Trump...
New Study Finds 90% of Cat Owners Experience oofjfjjggigiiiiifohhhjjfjfjjjjj))))))))))))))
A new study published today suggests that up to 90% of cat owners experience oofjfjjggigiiiiifohhhjjfjfjjjjj)))))))))))))) the moment they leave their keyboard unattended.
"During a new...
Boeing Reflexively Publishes Apology Statement
Despite no evidence that the most tragic airplane crash over U.S. soil in years had anything to do with Boeing’s increasingly questionable manufacturing practices,...
DEI Hero? This Business Leader Only Hires People Used to Working Harder for Way Less Money
As the new presidential administration and his allies aim to kill Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) programs across the country, today one heroic Pacific...
Guy Sighing Loudly While Waiting for Prescription Charged With Domestic Terrorism
A local man was charged with domestic terrorism today while waiting for a prescription in a Walgreens after his loud sighs were construed as...
Elon Musk Jolts Awake in Cold Sweat After Recurring Nightmare of Trans Athlete Dunking on Him
Multi-hyphenate tech CEO Elon Musk reportedly jolted awake in a cold sweat today after suffering a recurring nightmare of a transgender athlete dunking on...
Tribal Leaders Intrigued by Talk of Immigrant Mass Deportations
Despite wide criticism of President-elect Donald Trump’s plans, leaders of Native American tribes across the nation say they’re intrigued by his bold vision for...
Christmas Canceled After Santa’s Boeing Sleigh Falls Apart
Christmas was reportedly canceled today after the sleigh Santa had commissioned from Boeing fell apart, stranding the holiday deity just outside of SeaTac.
"I told...
Santa Tracker Reveals Shocking Extent of Reindeer Emissions
This year, in addition to showing a live feed of his international Christmas flight route, NORAD’s famous Santa Tracker is also revealing the shocking...
