Epstein Files Forgotten After Trump Starts Wearing Glasses and Sweaters, Giving Shit About Melania
After a week of heightened speculation about what’s contained in the Epstein files, today President Donald Trump successfully disarmed everyone’s suspicions about his illegal...
‘End of SNAP Benefits Could Be Good for Business,’ Says Owner of Torch & Pitchfork Emporium
While most people are focusing on the negatives of starving poor people right before the holidays, some are saying ending SNAP food stamp benefits...
Starbucks Wows Investors By Closing All Stores
Starbucks’ stock price jumped 35% today after the company unexpectedly closed every Starbucks location.
“Our ‘Back to Starbucks’ strategy was initially a ruse for closing...
ICE Detains Leaves as They Turn Brown
ICE confirmed today that its agents are in fact now waiting at the base of trees to zip-tie leaves in bags the moment they...
Masked ICE Agents Infiltrate Portland Emergency Naked Bike Ride Protest
Temporarily trading in gaiters for gimp masks, several ICE agents reportedly infiltrated Portland’s Emergency Naked Bike Ride Protest on Sunday to see if they...
Pardoned Turkey Still Seeking Pardon from Hanging Out with Trump
Several hours after President Donald Trump pardoned a turkey Tuesday morning, the turkey is reportedly still waiting for Trump to stop wanting to hang...
Portland Warns Trump It’s Ready to Use Full Force of Voodoo Doughnut
After another day of President Donald Trump not backing off his threat to authorize the “full force” of the National Guard on Portland, today...
RFK Jr. Announces Plan to Extend Nation’s Average Lifespan with Little Bite on the Neck
As part of a new health initiative that will completely circumvent the modern pharmaceutical industry, today Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr. announced...
Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz Experience Sexual Awakening After Playing Doctor Together
According to prematurely leaked video of them staying late one night at the White House, Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz recently experienced a late-life...
Microsoft Says It Only Enabling Israel’s War Crimes, Not Committing Them
After new reports of how closely the local tech giant works with Israel to surveil and kill thousands of Palestinian civilians, today CEO Satya...
