Tribal Leaders Intrigued by Talk of Immigrant Mass Deportations
Despite wide criticism of President-elect Donald Trump’s plans, leaders of Native American tribes across the nation say they’re intrigued by his bold vision for deporting the massive boatloads of immigrants who’ve been terrorizing this...
Christmas Canceled After Santa’s Boeing Sleigh Falls Apart
Christmas was reportedly canceled today after the sleigh Santa had commissioned from Boeing fell apart, stranding the holiday deity just outside of SeaTac.
"I told Santa this was going to happen but no, he just...
Santa Tracker Reveals Shocking Extent of Reindeer Emissions
This year, in addition to showing a live feed of his international Christmas flight route, NORAD’s famous Santa Tracker is also revealing the shocking extent of his private sleigh’s reindeer emissions.
“We’ve suspected it...
Report: Grinch’s Heart Actually Enlarged from Cocaine Use
Contrary to hopes that the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes today due to an expanded ability to love others, a report has just confirmed his heart is actually enlarged due to chronic cocaine use.
“That...
San Andreas Earthquake Welcome to Launch West Coast Off to Sea Anytime Now
Following a prolonged vote-counting process that threatens to drag on for what little remains of our doomed lives after Donald Trump’s probably successful bid for second term in the White House, the entire West...
McDonald’s Employee Can’t Wait to Spend $60k Bounty on Overnight Stay at Hospital
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, today the brave minimum-wage worker at McDonald’s who led police to the man suspected of killing UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson said they can’t wait to spend their entire...
Trump Declares Black Friday Is Indian and Always Has Been
In a bold move just in time for the holiday shopping season, today President-Elect Donald Trump announced that Black Friday has always been Indian, dismissing any claims to the contrary as fake news.
“Since I...
Pardoned Turkey Looks an Awful Lot Like Hunter Biden
As reporters, White House staff and live online streamers gathered for President Joe Biden’s last turkey pardoning ceremony today, many could not help but point out the striking resemblance one of the turkeys had...
‘Why Are You Being So Divisive?’ Asks Man Doing Everything in His Power to Hurt You and Everyone You Love
One local man was left confused today after his belligerent quest to hurt you and everyone you love was being met with such political and divisive rhetoric.
"Why are you being so divisive? All I...
RFK Jr. Vows to Ban Fluoride in Water, Add Lead
Today Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced his intention to finally ban fluoride in the nation's water supply and replace it with a lead supplement.
"Think about it: If...
