Conservative Uncle Excited to Pretend to Care About Budget Deficits Again
Shaking off his disappointment at the outcome of November’s election and subsequent court cases, conservative uncle Harry Garrett formally announced he’s looking forward to...
CDC Study Determines Not Enough Sage or Bleach on Earth to Decontaminate White House
The CDC just released the results of its latest study confirming what many had already suspected: There is not enough sage or bleach on...
Nation Confused as Trump Pardons Betty White
Images of Betty White all over social media this morning were met with a mix of relief and confusion as news reports confirmed she...
Anxious DC Residents Breathe Sigh of Relief as Twisted Tea Semi Arrives at Capitol
A week after a violent mob sieged Congress, tense DC locals looked visibly relieved tonight as the Twisted Tea semi finally arrived at the...
December 2020 Refuses to Concede to January 2021
After President Donald Trump finally gave what was essentially a long-awaited concession speech Thursday night, the nation remains in limbo today as December 2020...
White House Officials Quickly Running Out of Buses to Throw Each Other Under
The White House descended into chaos today as its supply of buses to throw each other under ran critically low.
“We thought we had enough...
CDC Condemns Alleged Super-Spreader That Visited Every Home in Single Night
This morning the Center for Disease Control condemned the work of a potentially international coronavirus super-spreader who somehow visited every home in the world...
President Announces All Mail-in Gifts Not Delivered By Christmas Don’t Count
In response to allegations that crippling the United States Post Office earlier this year to deter mail-in voting is now resulting in packages not...
New COVID Conspiracy Claims Vaccine Contains Miniaturized School Bus Full of Children
Conspiracy Facebook groups across the internet are spiking with activity today after reports surfaced from conspiracy theorist ‘D33P St8 H8r’ that the much anticipated...
Trump Presidential Library to Archive Full Collection of Discarded Republican Spines
Although there’s still no word on whether a concession speech is forthcoming from the Republican incumbent, an upbeat White House press release announced today...
