This morning the Center for Disease Control condemned the work of a potentially international coronavirus super-spreader who somehow visited every home in the world last night disguised in only in a mask of coarse white fur and a fat suit.
“This deranged psycho disregarded the advice of the entire scientific community and potentially spread coronavirus to countless people across the world in a single night,” said national infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci. “If that wasn’t bad enough, his lead getaway reindeer reportedly had a glowing red nose – a clear sign of nasal congestion and fever.”
Following the revelation that some strange man had entered their quarantine bubbles, residents all over the Seattle area were upset and had their suspicions of who it was.
“Apparently the concept of contactless delivery hasn’t reached the North Pole yet because I’m almost certain it was Jolly Ol’ St. Dick in here rummaging around for milk and cookies,” said Green Lake resident Barbara Stonewall. “If he was waiting for this mommy to be kissing Santa Claus last night, he’s gotta be kidding himself. But if he wants to come back vaccinated next year with a few of those reindeer harnesses and a functioning jingle-jangler, then maybe we smooth this over some day.”
The toymakers’ union for Santa’s workshops, Elf Liberation Front, also condemned Santa for his alleged participation in the possible superspreader event while demanding he follow through on this year’s promised two extra cookie-per-hour hazard pay.
