Report: 90% of Prospective Seattle Homebuyers Have Settled For Kent, They Just Don’t Know It Yet
A new report released today confirms that no less than 90 percent of prospective Seattle homebuyers have actually settled for Kent even though they don’t know it yet.
“We’d really like to live in North...
Mayor Harrell Clarifies That ‘One Seattle’ Has Always Referred to the One Percent of Seattle with Waterfront Property
After a KUOW investigation unveiled last week that one rich man sending a text to Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell’s personal cell phone is what initiated the whole controversy around the Denny Blaine nude beach...
SPD K-9 Takes Forced Retirement After Using Talk Buttons to Question Policies
Beloved and intelligent Seattle Police Department K-9 Buster was reportedly forced into early retirement today after using his dog talk buttons to question SPD policies.
“The dog buttons were cute there for a moment when...
Burien City Council Passes Bill Criminalizing Being in Burien
Today the Burien City Council passed a new ordinance which makes existing within the city limits of Burien a crime."We need to do what's best for the people of Burien," argued Burien Mayor Kevin...
King County Apologizes for Acid-Contaminated Water That Caused Zebra and Aurora Borealis Hallucinations
Today King County Public Health formally apologized for the acid-contaminated water supply that caused widespread hallucinations over the last two weeks of an omnipresent zebra deity, and skies that were either a perfect cloudless...
President Biden Visits Seattle to Fundraise, Beat the Shit Out of Macklemore
President Joe Biden arrived in Seattle Friday afternoon with a busy weekend itinerary that reportedly includes a campaign stop, several fundraisers, and challenging Macklemore to a fistfight in retaliation for his Palestine liberation protest...
Monster? This Man Left the Bus Before Even Kissing the Driver Goodbye
King County Metro bus riders were left speechless today after witnessing a man, who some are calling a literal monster, simply exit at his stop without even kissing the driver goodbye.
“The ingrate didn’t even...
Sound Transit Closes UW Station to Protect Public from Exercising, Witnessing Free Speech
Out of an abundance of caution, today Sound Transit suddenly closed its University of Washington Station to ensure the public was safely protected from using or witnessing grown American adults exercise their First Amendment...
North Bend Zebra Just Gonna Lie Low with Sasquatch Until This All Blows Over
After a stressful few days of being chased and mobbed by local paparazzi, today the North Bend Zebra is reportedly lying low in a rustic forest area retreat with Sasquatch until this all blows...
City Council Grants SPD $500 Million Budget for Flaming Eye Atop Space Needle That Points Toward Suspected Crimes
The Seattle City Council approved a $500 million budget today that gives the Seattle Police Department a flaming eye atop the Space Needle that points towards suspected crimes.
“The perception of public safety is our...
