Report: Greenwood, Greenwood Always Up to No Good
Warning that California transplants definitely be “up in
this” local watchdog journalists unveiled a groundbreaking report today confirming
once and for all that, yeah, Greenwood, Greenwood always up to no good.
“Even Wedgwood tryin’ to get a...
Fremont Troll Urged to Clutch More Fuel-Efficient Vehicle in Menacing Grasp
Local climate change activists are picketing the famed Fremont Troll today, saying the gas-guzzling Volkswagen Beetle clutched in its gigantic, gnarled hands sets a poor example for the next generation.
“The children clambering over...
With Transplants Out of Town, Seattle Natives Really Fucking Cutting Loose
Multiple
reports that no hordes of transplants are currently fucking up the local vibe
are pouring in from native Seattle residents across the city today, leaving
true locals no choice but to let it all hang out...
Four Decades Late, Krampus Finally Eats Child Soldier-Promoting State Rep. Matt Shea
Krampus -- legendary half-goat/half-demon eater of misbehaved children before Christmas – confirmed he’d finally seen enough child soldier-endorsing bullshit from Washington State Rep. Matt Shea to completely devour him today.
“I’m all for snacking...
Silly Cyclist Thinks Road Meant for Him Too
Hundreds of commuting cars crowded around one adorable cyclist
today who was delusionally acting like the streets of Seattle are meant for him
too.
“Aw, look at this athletic guy on his lightweight Italian
road bike taking...
Office Dog Shamelessly Commits HR Violation in Middle of Sales Floor
A Seattle office has been torn apart today as the resident office dog,
Mr. Puddles, was suspended from all adorable duties after committing a wanton
HR violation in the middle of the sales floor.
“Look, Mr. Puddles...
Dog Ignored On Walk
An attention-starved Yorkie’s hopes for love were dashed again today when his owner spent the entirety of another post-workday walk around Maple Leaf Reservoir Park scrolling through an Instagram feed.
Onlookers expressed dismay at 28-year-old...
Former Boeing CEO Awarded $62M Golden Parachute for Successfully Facilitating Exit of 346 Lives
To thank him for an unforgettably clever corporate psychopathy that tested the limits of how many people a multi-billion-dollar company could kill without legal consequence in the name of fully optimized profit margins, Boeing...
Seattle Public Library to Start Paying People to Read a Damn Book
Seattle
Public Library’s new policy of eliminating all late fees for overdue items that
began on Jan. 2 is already expanding to paying anyone to read a goddamn book at
all starting Feb. 2.
“If there’s anyone...
Nation Agrees Your Tiny, One-Road Country Town Definitely The One Getting Nuked by Iran
In a rare showing of national unity, the entire country has come together today to agree that your minuscule, strategically insignificant town is fucking toast.
“I don’t know, man: Despite your town lacking a port,...
