Raccoon Elder Council Recommends Washing Food for 20 Seconds with Weird Little Hands
Unable to resist the allure of a hand-washing related hygiene crisis, the Raccoon Elders Council emerged from their reclusive oak hollows and abandoned burrows...
Thousands in Seattle Area Attacked, Blinded by Sudden Appearance of Flaming Orb Floating in Sky
Public Health officials are reporting that thousands if not millions of Seattle area residents were suddenly struck in the face with spring-like rays of...
Prolonged Quarantine Threatens to Deplete Local Hygge Reserves
Extra blankets at the ready and tea kettle bubbling, Fremont couple Henry and June Culbert's cozy nights have rapidly turned to quiet desperation as...
Midwest Transplants Mocked for Inability to Canoe Through Downtown in Unceasing Rain
In lieu of last year’s city-incapacitating snowpocalypse, Seattle's ongoing deluge of liquid rain is once again giving local natives the upper hand on handling...
Greedy Local Newspapers Finally Take Down Paywalls
In what some are calling a coronavirus-era miracle, the few poorly paid and overworked reporters who still remain in the local newspaper industry for...
Lost, Confused Joe Biden Ambles Into Des Moines Safeway Offering Free Hugs, Massages
Customers of a local Safeway in Des Moines, Wash. were bewildered
this afternoon when Democratic presidential candidate and former Vice President
Joe Biden somehow wandered into...
Residents Throughout Seattle Area Canceling Plans to Cancel Plans
Due to public health officials already successfully lobbying
for the cancellation of most social events during the local coronavirus outbreak,
millions across the Seattle area announced...
Man’s Waterfront View Blocked by Another Man’s Waterfront View
One Belltown man's expansive view of the Puget Sound apartment disappeared today when it was suddenly replaced by a view of the 40-story Arrive...
Ken Jennings’ Post-Jeopardy Rampage Claims Pub Quiz, Spelling Bee as Insatiable Lust for Knowledge Continues
Fresh off of winning Jeopardy’s Greatest of All Time Tournament in
dominant fashion, newly crowned champion Ken Jennings reportedly spent last night
rampaging through Seattle on...
Report: Mountain One Sexy Bitch
Bright sunshine inspired one local mountain to shrug off the
thick blankets of winter gray she’d been hiding in for months, standing in what
millions in...
