Dow Constantine Campaign Scrambling to Remember What County Executive Is and Does
Following news that Washington State Sen. Joe Nguyen would be his first serious challenger for his elected office in years, sources confirm Dow Constantine’s...
Gov. Inslee Opens Vaccine Eligibility to All Remaining Unvaccinated Motherfuckers Who Aren’t Motherfucking Vaccinated Yet
After opening to all other categories, today Governor Jay Inslee officially opened up Phase 9z vaccine eligibility for all unvaccinated motherfuckers who aren’t motherfucking...
Nice! Nature Treats Entire City to Free Sauna
After an incredibly stressful last year, the entire Seattle area was treated to a free, daylong sauna today by Mother Nature. Sweet!
“You all looked...
The Needling Wins Pulitzer Prize for Realest Real Fake News Reporting
Today the Pulitzer Prize, the most prestigious honor in U.S. journalism, was awarded to The Needling for Realest Real Fake Local News Reporting.
“For its...
Bill Gates Confirms the Divorce is 100% Clippy’s Fault
With rumors swirling since the most high-profile billionaire couple in the world announced their split Monday, Bill Gates confirmed today that the implosion of...
Bezos Says This Year’s Prime Day Is Only the Stuff MacKenzie Left at the House
In a change of pace from typical Prime Day sales on high-in-demand devices and products, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says this year Prime customers...
CDC Announces Masks Optional, Glaring At Maskless Passerby Still Required
Under pressure to clarify its COVID-19 guidelines, the Centers for Disease Control this week announced an update to its recommended precautions: Masks are now...
PCC Co-op Disturbed by Requests to Be Actual Co-op
Upper management of local grocery co-op chain PCC say they’re reportedly being flooded with countless deranged and maniacal requests for the store to be...
Recovering COVID Patient Relieved to Smell Dog’s Putrid Farts Again
After several weeks of not being sure when or if her sense of smell would ever return, local recovering COVID patient Toni Duncan said...
‘Justice for George Floyd!’ Announce Local Politicians Praying You Forgot John, Charleena, and Manuel
In remembrance of George Floyd on the day of his murderer's conviction, local politicians all around the Seattle area announced at 7 p.m. they...
