Strike Imminent as Seattle Public Schools Requires All Returning Teachers to Wear Pants
After already sparring earlier this year over how and when to return to in-person learning, another teachers’ strike against Seattle Public Schools seems imminent as they balk at the district’s requirement that all staff...
‘Poor, Unprepared Texas,’ Says City Completely Unprepared for Inevitably Colossal Earthquake
The degree to which Texas was utterly unprepared for last week’s freak freeze continues to baffle, confuse and appall thousands of Seattleites who say they’re more accustomed to being completely unprepared for an inevitable,...
The Needling Launches NFT Digital Subscription for Only $1.99M a Month
Acquiescing to persistent requests from countless blockchain overlords, today The Needling became a pioneer in the online news industry by launching a new NFT subscription for only $1.99 million a month.
The unique NFT (non-fungible...
Melting Snowman Curses Eight-Year-Old Creator for Pain of Fleeting Existence
As the snow from the weekend’s wintery flurry begins to slowly fade away, one deformed, half-melted snowman has cursed his eight-year-old creator for condemning him to a fleeting existence of amorphous agony.
“Oh the pain...
Boeing CEO Relieved to Learn Shower of Fiery Debris Not One of Theirs
While residents across the Pacific Northwest were captivated by a shower of fiery debris streaking across the Thursday night sky, Boeing’s CEO was reportedly surprised and relieved to learn that it wasn’t yet another...
LA Transplant Salivating at Chance to One-Up Traffic Complaint
After what was meant to be a coworker’s innocuous comment about a frustrating drive back to West Seattle, local Los Angeles transplant Oliver Marlow frightened onlookers today when he became visibly aroused at the...
Valentine’s Day Eviction Notices to Be Delivered via Candy Gram
With Seattle’s renter eviction moratorium set to expire on Feb. 14, the Mayor’s Office announced today that they plan to soften the blow of widespread Valentine’s Day eviction notices by delivering them via candy...
Sheriff Falsely Accusing Black Man of Death Threats Just Had a ‘Vewy Bad Day’
After being caught falsely accusing an innocent black man delivering newspapers of death threats, law enforcement officials are saying Pierce County Sheriff Ed Troyer just had a “vewy bad day.”
“He was having trouble going...
Jeff Bezos Steps Down as Amazon CEO to Spend More Quality Time with Subterranean Sea of Gold Coins
Pressed for more details on what he would be spending his free time on after stepping down as CEO later this year, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos admitted what he really plans to do is...
Snoqualmie Squirrel Predicts Six More Months of Going Nuts
Not to be outshone by Pennsylvania’s Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhog Day, Washington’s own Snoqualmie Squirrel emerged from his cozy tree hovel today to announce his prediction of six more months of going nuts.
“Forget six...
