Report: 87% of Boomer Scary Stories Start ‘Once Upon a 3rd and Pine’
As the countdown to Halloween continues, a new report revealed that 87% of Boomer scary stories reliably start with ‘Once Upon a Third and...
Local Small Business Game Hunter Displays Latest Trophy in Denny Triangle
Local small business game hunter Jeff Bezos announced this week he’ll be displaying his latest trophy, the pink elephant, on his Denny Triangle Amazon...
Experts Find Smoking Filtered Cigarettes Reduces Risk of Breathing Seattle’s Air
A new public health study out today found that smoking filtered cigarettes significantly reduces the risks of directly inhaling air in Seattle.
“In addition to...
‘Oooo, Someone’s Having a Campfire!’ Says Seattle Optimist
In a stunningly rare display of local optimism, one excited Seattle resident is wondering who is having a “cozy little campfire” tonight.
“Oh my gosh,...
Mayor Harrell Salutes Homeless Veterans as Unified Care Team Sweeps Them into Tukwila
In his first Veterans Day as mayor of Seattle, today Bruce Harrell thanked and saluted hundreds of local homeless veterans as his newly formed...
Washington State Election Officials Announce Local Races Too Close to Night Night to Call
With the future of the nation’s democracy hanging in the balance, Washington state election officials reported at precisely 8:05 p.m. tonight that today’s Senate...
‘Voting Is Pointless,’ Reports Little Shit Who Doesn’t Know What a Pre-Existing Condition Is
Bravely rejecting mainstream and status quo forms of preserving democracy, today one local 24-year-old little shit who’s never had to worry about a pre-existing...
All Washington Ferries Outfitted with ‘Student Driver’ Stickers
After facing staff shortages and a string of recent ferry crashes, today WSDOT finally announced plans to prevent future collisions caused by inexperienced captains...
Park Rangers Advise Hikers to Ward Off Bears by Loudly Announcing Median Housing Prices
As bears reach their most active foraging season to prepare for winter hibernation, park rangers are advising hikers this fall that the most effective...
Seattle Residents Forced to Seek Refuge Underground as Leaf Blowers Render Surface Uninhabitable
Just when Seattleites thought it was safe to go outside after this month’s Smokepocalypse, weary residents have been forced to seek refuge underground as...
