Progress! Ballard Goodwill Donation Line Now Only Backed Up to Tukwila
Today residents from Federal Way are planning to bang pots and pans at 8 p.m. to celebrate the first day since May 2020 that cars have not been blocking home driveways and access to...
Landlord Awaiting End to Eviction Moratorium Excited to Complain About Unrelated Surge in Homeless Population
With the nationwide eviction moratorium set to expire tomorrow, landlords across the country are eagerly awaiting the opportunity to complain about a massive incoming surge in local homeless populations that definitely has nothing to...
Bruce Harrell Vows Action After Hundreds of Tents Discovered Inside REI
Seattle Mayoral candidate Bruce Harrell held a news conference inside the Seattle-based sporting goods store today to blast City Hall for inaction after discovering a staggering number of tents inside the REI flagship location.
“You...
Alpha Delta Lambda COVID Denies Fatal Hazing Rituals
Amidst increasingly damning allegations, today viral variant fraternity Alpha Delta Lambda denied all accusations that it intentionally facilitates routinely fatal hazing rituals.
“Look, asking pledges to chug viral loads down at weekend keggers while completely...
Ecological Win! New Artificial Reef Constructed Entirely from Mayor Durkan’s Discarded Cell Phones
In what is being declared a major ecological win, local marine biologists have discovered a brand new artificial reef teeming with life just off of Pier 59 borne out of an enormous pile of...
Cool! New Half Mile of Bike Lane Funnels Cyclists Straight into Portal to Hell
The City of Seattle cemented its longtime reputation as a bike-friendly utopia this week with the addition of a half-mile of dedicated bike lane space that funnels eco-friendly cyclists straight to hell.
“Local bike enthusiasts...
SPD Chief Vows to Punish Officers at DC Riot with One Last Month of Paid Administrative Leave
Following a report from Seattle’s Office of Police Accountability that confirmed today two Seattle Police Department officers were on U.S. Capitol steps and four others were somewhere nearby during a violent Jan. 6 insurrection,...
‘Huh, West Seattle Bridge Is Closed Today,’ Says Ballard Resident Driving 99 South For First Time In Years
Upon venturing the ominous depths of Highway 99 South for the first time in years, Ballard resident Chris Brock found himself surprised and bewildered to discover that the West Seattle Bridge is closed today.
“That’s...
Green Lake Swimmer Grows Impressive Tail
Friends and family of longtime Green Lake swimmer Lloyd Davidson are marveling today at the new, scaled appendage that’s now rippling from his tailbone.
“Oh, my wife and the public health experts exaggerate how bad...
Jenny Durkan’s Heart and 7 Other Places to Cool Off This Weekend
If you’re looking for a place to cool off during this unprecedented scorcher in Seattle, where a majority of us do not have AC, The Needling highly recommends chilling out in one of the...
