Washington Health Officials Just Gonna Assume Local Monkeypox Outbreak Originated at Gum Wall
Officials from the Washington Health Department held a press conference today to announce that they’re just gonna assume a local outbreak of monkeypox most...
Portland Formally Requests To “Crash On Seattle’s Couch For A Few More Weeks”
A handwritten message on the back of a bar receipt found early this afternoon confirms that Portland, Ore. has officially requested to extend its...
Local Homeowner in Critical Condition After Witnessing Homelessness
A local Madison Park homeowner is in critical condition at Harborview tonight after tragically witnessing the reality of homelessness in Downtown Seattle this afternoon.
“I...
Monsanto Releases Spring Software Update to Make Next Wave of Flowers Bloom
This morning Monsanto issued a spring software update to a subset of PNW plants that enables the next wave of flowers to bloom across...
‘Just a Reminder That the Corporate Office Has A/C,’ Reads Helpful Email from Satan
Just as local remote workers were set to begin another sweltering day at home chained to their laptops this morning, they were reportedly reminded...
New Gerrymandered Maps Somehow Puts Pike Place Market in Bellevue
Following a series of heavily gerrymandered maps sweeping the country, a new proposed King County map would somehow place Pike Place Market within the...
All ‘One Seattle Day of Service’ Tasks Mysteriously Involve Mayor Harrell’s Household Chores
As a spirit of goodwill descended upon the Emerald City for its first One Seattle Day of Service this weekend, hundreds of volunteers were...
Majestic Lake Washington Bald Eagle Shits on Car
A lone bald eagle glided across the still waters of Lake Washington and swooped through the tall Seward Park spruces this afternoon before unleashing...
34% of Local Billionaires Report Living Paycheck-to-Paycheck
In yet another sign of economic downturn, a recent report shows 34 percent of Seattle billionaires are currently living paycheck-to-paycheck.
“If things don’t improve soon,...
Only Anti-Choice King County Councilmember Still Kinda Hoping Only Local Right-Wing Nutjobs Know Who He Is
As local pro-choice advocates protest the dismantling of national human rights to privacy and bodily autonomy while continuing to look for productive ways to...
