Portland Formally Requests To “Crash On Seattle’s Couch For A Few More Weeks”
A handwritten message on the back of a bar receipt found early this afternoon confirms that Portland, Ore. has officially requested to extend its stay in Seattle.
“Gonna need to snag yer sofa for...
Local Homeowner in Critical Condition After Witnessing Homelessness
A local Madison Park homeowner is in critical condition at Harborview tonight after tragically witnessing the reality of homelessness in Downtown Seattle this afternoon.
“I don’t know what this sicko who is so poor they...
Monsanto Releases Spring Software Update to Make Next Wave of Flowers Bloom
This morning Monsanto issued a spring software update to a subset of PNW plants that enables the next wave of flowers to bloom across the region.
“We’ve developed a vibrant summer color profile for local...
‘Just a Reminder That the Corporate Office Has A/C,’ Reads Helpful Email from Satan
Just as local remote workers were set to begin another sweltering day at home chained to their laptops this morning, they were reportedly reminded that the corporate office has A/C by a helpful email...
New Gerrymandered Maps Somehow Puts Pike Place Market in Bellevue
Following a series of heavily gerrymandered maps sweeping the country, a new proposed King County map would somehow place Pike Place Market within the Bellevue city limits.
“Gerrymandering has traditionally been a tool for political...
All ‘One Seattle Day of Service’ Tasks Mysteriously Involve Mayor Harrell’s Household Chores
As a spirit of goodwill descended upon the Emerald City for its first One Seattle Day of Service this weekend, hundreds of volunteers were scratching their heads about why all of Mayor Bruce Harrell’s...
Majestic Lake Washington Bald Eagle Shits on Car
A lone bald eagle glided across the still waters of Lake Washington and swooped through the tall Seward Park spruces this afternoon before unleashing a torrent of shit on an unsuspecting Kia in a...
34% of Local Billionaires Report Living Paycheck-to-Paycheck
In yet another sign of economic downturn, a recent report shows 34 percent of Seattle billionaires are currently living paycheck-to-paycheck.
“If things don’t improve soon, I might not be able to finish my new beachfront...
Only Anti-Choice King County Councilmember Still Kinda Hoping Only Local Right-Wing Nutjobs Know Who He Is
As local pro-choice advocates protest the dismantling of national human rights to privacy and bodily autonomy while continuing to look for productive ways to channel their anger, Congressional candidate and only anti-abortion member of...
Spokane Moms Excited to See You Sunday, Remind You Seattle Is Crime-infested Hellhole
Moms throughout Spokane are reportedly eagerly awaiting Mother’s Day to see you in person for a really big, long hug, and a kiss while reminding you of all the bloodthirsty, violent chaos that takes...
