Move over Bezos Balls! CEO Andy Jassy has announced today that the mass Amazon layoffs will soon fund the region’s newest vanity project, a state-of-the-art terrarium that many say shares a resemblance to an enormous pair of glass buttocks.
“I know I’ve had some big trousers to fill since Jeff stepped down, but I think I’m finally ready to place my own rotund, shapely mark on the Seattle skyline,” said Jassy, running his hands across the twin mounds of his scale model. “Thanks to the sacrifice of the 18,000 employees I’m laying off, our remaining employees will be able to enjoy The Amazon Mounds, a pair of state-of-the-art adjoined terrarium domes. Now some of the more immature members of our community have taken to calling my stunning monument ‘Jassy’s Glassy Assy’. Well, I’m just glad my father Hugh isn’t on social media to hear your juvenile remarks.”
With thousands losing their jobs and a looming recession on the horizon, many have criticized the timing of the pear-shaped project.
“The wealthy elite are all the same, building full-bodied monuments while the rest of us are living hand to cheek, clenching for a meager existence during a recession,” said Amazon critic Ben Mayfield. “Their PR teams will tout their stock increases, but what happens when the underpaid window washer hired to meticulously wipe the crevices of the Amazon Mounds falls ill with no insurance? What of the groundskeepers who maintain their shapely grounds when automation inevitably costs them their livelihoods? They’ll be flushed away without a second thought while the 1% continue to shower themselves in golden riches.”
Not to be outdone by their tech rival, Apple CEO Tim Cook later announced plans of a Seattle expansion that would leave their own dongle print on the South Lake Union neighborhood.
