Mayor Harrell Salutes Homeless Veterans as Unified Care Team Sweeps Them into Tukwila
In his first Veterans Day as mayor of Seattle, today Bruce Harrell thanked and saluted hundreds of local homeless veterans as his newly formed Unified Care Team compassionately swept them into Tukwila.
“Today is a...
Washington State Election Officials Announce Local Races Too Close to Night Night to Call
With the future of the nation’s democracy hanging in the balance, Washington state election officials reported at precisely 8:05 p.m. tonight that today’s Senate and House voting results came in too close to night...
‘Voting Is Pointless,’ Reports Little Shit Who Doesn’t Know What a Pre-Existing Condition Is
Bravely rejecting mainstream and status quo forms of preserving democracy, today one local 24-year-old little shit who’s never had to worry about a pre-existing condition revealed today that voting is pointless.
“I hate the GOP,...
All Washington Ferries Outfitted with ‘Student Driver’ Stickers
After facing staff shortages and a string of recent ferry crashes, today WSDOT finally announced plans to prevent future collisions caused by inexperienced captains with new “student driver” stickers stamped on the backs of...
Park Rangers Advise Hikers to Ward Off Bears by Loudly Announcing Median Housing Prices
As bears reach their most active foraging season to prepare for winter hibernation, park rangers are advising hikers this fall that the most effective way to ward off bears is by loudly announcing the...
Seattle Residents Forced to Seek Refuge Underground as Leaf Blowers Render Surface Uninhabitable
Just when Seattleites thought it was safe to go outside after this month’s Smokepocalypse, weary residents have been forced to seek refuge underground as endless leaf blower usage has rendered the surface world uninhabitable.
“Journal...
Scientists Make First Contact with Lost Civilization Discovered in West Seattle
Following the long-awaited reopening of the West Seattle Bridge, local scientists were shocked to discover that a lost civilization was thriving in the remote, isolated territory of West Seattle.
“For years we’ve dismissed rumors of...
West Seattleite Too Excited About Bridge Re-Opening Blows Own Load Test
Upon hearing SDOT’s confirmation today that the repaired West Seattle Bridge had passed its final load test before re-opening this Sunday, one West Seattleite who’s been holding in his excitement about it for months...
SPD Attempts to Arrest 68,740 People After New ShotSpotter Tech Reports Loud Noises at Lumen Field
A pilot program of Mayor Bruce Harrell’s new ShotSpotter gunshot detection technology ran into a snag this last weekend when the Seattle Police Department attempted to arrest 68,740 people exiting Lumen Field after “loud,...
Both WB I-90 and WB 520 Bridges to Close This Weekend Because Fuck Bellevue
After back-to-back weekends of each Lake Washington bridge taking turns with westbound closures, today WSDOT announced that both WB I-90 and WB 520 bridges would be closed this weekend because fuck Bellevue.
“They’ll be closed...
