Space Needle Waiting Whole Life for This Moment
As a suspected Chinese high-altitude surveillance balloon floated high over the US today, the Space Needle assured Seattle locals that it had been waiting its whole life for this moment.
“All those decades I spent...
Jealous Daffodil Day Flower Confesses It Ordered the Hit on Pike Place Market Cherry Trees
Just a week after eight beautiful cherry trees lining the entrance to Pike Place Market were butchered right before they were set to blossom this month, today one jealous local Daffodil Day flower admitted...
Mayor Harrell Also Commits to Holding Cops Accountable As Long As They’re Also Black
As the nation mourns another heinous murder of a black person at the hands of police, Mayor Bruce Harrell promised Seattle today that—just like Memphis—he’ll also commit to holding murderous cops accountable as long...
Bill Nye Breaks Bad; Establishes Evil Lair at Pacific Science Center
After spending decades as the face of educational TV programming, local authorities say Bill Nye the Science Guy has suddenly broken bad and established an evil lair at the Pacific Science Center.
“Science rules, and...
Every Virginia Mason Employee Replaced by Nun Whose Only Job Is to Refuse Your Abortion
In an effort to streamline its services and operations, today Virginia Mason Medical Center announced it’s immediately and permanently replacing all its employees with nuns whose only job is to refuse your abortion.
“Sure, I...
Local Man Left Puzzled by Tip Screen at Self-Checkout
Even after becoming used to seeing tip screens pop up in more retail settings, today one local man became overwhelmed with confusion when faced with a tip screen at his grocery store’s self-checkout.
“I’m happy...
Seattle Times Removes Dilbert Comic; Gives Him Op-Ed Column
Following a racist tirade by Dilbert creator Scott Adams, The Seattle Times announced this week that it would be removing the Dilbert comic from its pages effective immediately and instead grant the character a...
Woman Leaves for U-Village a Day Early to Find Parking
After years of losing countless holiday weekend sales finds to hours of bumper-to-bumper traffic and driving in hopeless circles, Laurelhurst resident Karen McKarensen confirmed today that this time she’s packing and leaving her home...
Oregon Unveils New Slogan: Come for Legal Shrooms, Stay Because the Giant Kaleidoscopic Beaver is Blocking the Interstate Bridge
After beginning to lawfully allow adult use of psilocybin “magic” mushrooms earlier this month, today Oregon unveiled their new state slogan “Come for the Legal Shrooms, Stay Because the Giant Kaleidoscopic Beaver is Blocking...
First-Time Voter Prematurely Casts Ballot Before Arriving at Box
With all the best intentions of creating more joy in the world, today one local first-time voter sheepishly admitted to prematurely casting his ballot before being able to put it into the box.
“I just...
