Semi Bird Continues to Not Be Sue Bird
Despite their best efforts, several frustrated Washington state voters are reporting the unfortunate news that Republican gubernatorial candidate Semi Bird continues to not be...
REI Reports Record Sales of Affordable Housing
After years of struggling to survive stiff competition from online competitors, today REI said things were finally turning around for the company as it...
Shocking Report Finds Cle Elum Actually Nowhere Near Enumclaw
Despite seeming like nearby rural cities that were both named by a pioneer named Cleetus, a shocking report released today confirms that the communities...
SPD to Receive 23% Retroactive Raise, or 4% for Every Officer Present on January 6th
The tentative Seattle Police Officers’ Guild contract released this week includes a 23% retroactive wage bump that was calculated by increasing their wage almost...
Overpopulated Tech Bros Airlifted and Relocated to Olympic Peninsula
With mating season just around the corner, Seattle Parks and Recreation has already gotten to work on relocating the city’s overpopulated herds of tech...
Chaotic Incident Wipes Out Entire City of Tacoma, Reports CNN
CNN and many other of the nation’s most trusted media outlets are reporting that some kind of chaotic incident this afternoon has apparently taken...
Citing Need to Attract More Assholes, SPD Adds Teslas to Fleet
After years of struggling to recruit enough assholes into its ranks, today the City of Seattle said it would be adding Teslas to its...
Seattle Welcomes Spring with Deafening Citywide Rattling of Iced Lattes
This week Seattle excitedly welcomed the return of the sun, clear skies and warmer weather with a deafening citywide rattling of the first iced...
Natalie’s Boyfriend Sweeps WA Primary with Flood of ‘Uncommitted’ Votes
As the first wave of Washington state primary election results came in Tuesday night, it became quickly clear that Natalie’s boyfriend Trevor had already...
Seattle Makes Appointment For STI Screening After Gum Wall Spreads to Bezos Balls
A panicked Seattle made a last-minute doctor's appointment for an STI screening today after noticing the gum wall had spread all the way to...
