King County Public Health Asks That If You’re Freakin,’ Please Call a Crisis Hotline, Not Beacon
Today King County Public Health advised local residents who may be freakin’ to contact the Crisis Connections Hotline and not call Beacon.
“I know the ads are everywhere, but please don’t call Beacon—they’re just not...
Bruce Harrell Touts Gingerbread Village As Solution to Housing Crisis
Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell embraced the Season of Giving and gave an early Christmas present to the city’s homeless population today by announcing that a gingerbread village would finally be solving the local housing...
Aroma of Tacoma Returns After Bullshit Verdict Drops in Manuel Ellis Case
The aroma of Tacoma re-emerged today with brutal force after an enormous pile of bullshit was dropped in a Pierce County courtroom where three Tacoma Police officers were found not guilty despite killing Manuel...
Man Discovers He Actually Lives in Kenmore, Not Bothell
A three-year investigation into why Pagliacci Pizza delivery boys could never find Doug Frankel’s Bothell-based address has concluded that he does not, in fact, live in Bothell — he lives in Kenmore.
“I live so...
New Parents Excited Ballard Light Rail Line Will Be Finished in Time To Visit Kids at University of Washington
As more details emerge for a future Ballard Light Rail connection, new parents Jim and Claire Thompson are reportedly ecstatic that the light rail will allow them to visit their newborn kid by the...
Local Civil Disobedience Expert Confirms Waving Tiny Flag at Home Way More Effective Than Shutting Down Traffic
After a week of debating whether it was really worth it for advocates of a ceasefire in Palestine to shut down I-5 near Downtown Seattle, today local civil disobedience expert Chad Henry confirmed once...
Blackstone Appoints Cruella de Vil to Oversee Rover Acquisition
To allay fears that too much would be changing after the announcement that private equity firm Blackstone would be buying Seattle-based Rover.com for a stunning $2.3 billion, today the company’s future owners announced renowned...
Sara Nelson Fills Vacant Seattle City Council Seat With Concrete Eco-Block
Today Seattle City Council President Sara Nelson announced her decision to fill Teresa Mosqueda’s vacant council seat with Concrete Eco-Block, one of the several concrete blocks that have been illegally stationed outside of Nelson's...
New Study Finds Burien Just Fictional Place We All Imagined in Collective Fever Dream
King County residents were shocked today after a new study revealed that despite being slightly aware that a place called “Burien” exists, it was in fact just a fictional place we all collectively imagined...
City Officials Remind Residents Find It, Fix It App Not Intended to Be Used on City Councilmembers
Citing five crashes of the popular Find It, Fix It app since five new City Council members were sworn in and Sara Nelson was made Council President yesterday, city website administrators are reminding residents...
