Man Utterly Traumatized by 2020 Just Gonna Pick Up ThunderShirt for Self Too
While picking up an anxiety-reducing ThunderShirt for his dog ahead of tonight’s neighborhood firework displays, a local man utterly traumatized by 2020 decided he...
New Study Confirms Cats Can’t Spread COVID-19, But Would If Given Option
A new study out of the University of Washington has left local pet owners with mixed emotions after scientists confirmed that their beloved pet...
Man Wearing Mask for First Time Learning Alarming Truths About Own Breath
As the nation continues to adjust to the new realities of life during the COVID-19 pandemic, many first-time mask wearers are learning alarming truths...
Fremont Solstice Partners with Peloton for Naked Exercise Bike Ride
Seattle’s famed Fremont Solstice Parade held this year’s naked, at-home bike ride in partnership with popular exercise bike company Peloton today, a move that...
Spring Cleaning Put Off Until Next World-Halting Pandemic
The build-up to a local man’s much-anticipated goal of spring cleaning his home climaxed today with the sobering realization that there now isn’t enough...
Father-Son Phone Call Enters Record 14th Minute Following First Sports Event in Months
After the cancellation of most sports events nationwide resulted in a disheartening downturn in father-son phone calls, spirits rose again as a recent call...
Joe Biden Endorsement Mumbled Under Breath
As August’s Democratic National Convention draws near, Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden has secured another important endorsement today from a local representative who took...
New WebMD Party App Lets You Misdiagnose with Friends
In the spirit of social unity during the coronavirus pandemic, popular panic-inducing medical site WebMD has announced the launch of the new WebMD Party...
Trump Warns Seattle Protesters Just Lucky His Nunchucks Busted or They’d Be in Big Trouble
President Donald Trump took a momentary pause from cowering in his bunker today to issue a stern message to Seattle's Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone...
Mayor Durkan Assures No Tear Gas Deployed, Only Sparkling Nose Irritants
A mere 24 hours after Mayor Jenny Durkan declared a 30-day ban on the use of tear gas, the Mayor’s Office assured the people...
