Seattle’s famed Fremont Solstice Parade held this year’s naked, at-home bike ride in partnership with popular exercise bike company Peloton today, a move that left many past participants including its organizers wondering if the annual festival was beginning to lose its way amid the city’s swiftly encroaching tech overlords.
“While we’re grateful to Peloton for sponsoring this year’s ride, it goes against everything we stand for and I fear that in our desperation we may have signed our souls to the papier-mâché devil,” said Patty Nettles, organizer for the Fremont Solstice Parade. “The last time we came this close to suckling at the detestable corporate teat was when we allowed Betty the Bathtub Botanist to sell oregano oil from atop her kaleidoscopic dragon in 1993, and I’ve felt unclean ever since. It’s either that or the lingering flecks of paint in my nooks and crannies.”
In lieu of the traditional three-mile journey from CSR Marine to Gasworks Park, riders this year were aggressively encouraged to hike their BPM by overenthusiastic Peloton instructors while sporting their colorfully body-painted birthday suits.
“Namaste to all my Sunbursts and Moondongles, get your om shantis in now because we’re not stopping until we hit the state of nirvana, or our shared visualization of Lake Union, whichever comes first,” said special guest instructor Clarity Jones, unfurling her enormous, shimmering butterfly wings atop her Peloton perch. “We’re cranking our target output to 125 so I want to see the paint peeling from your technicolor bodies! If the triumphant phoenix painted on your pure, naked form hasn’t turned into a sickly pool of paint on your living room floor then you haven’t been working hard enough! You with the stilts, get those spindly legs cranking! Peace, love and an elevated heart rate to you all.”
Honors for the highest-ranked rider on the leaderboard today went to someone with nom de peloton username SparklingHustleBitch.
Changes were made to photo by Joe Mabel, CC BY-SA 2.0
