Environmental Disaster Declared After Contents of Hot Tub Boat Leaks into Lake Union
An environmental disaster was declared today after a hot tub boat ran aground in Lake Union, spilling gallons of an unnatural mixture of toxic...
Local Man Torn Between Hatred of Christianity, Love of Peeps
As Easter approaches, Madrona resident Shaun Sigmon is once again agonizingly torn between his overwhelming hatred of the Christian faith and his sinful infatuation...
‘U Up?’ Text Steadily Migrating Closer to 10 p.m. With Each Passing Year
In what used to be a regular 2 a.m. ritual, one aging fuckboy’s late-night hookup texts have steadily migrated closer to an optimal bedtime...
Salumi Deli Announces New Charcuterie Replacement Shakes for Gals on the Go
Legendary Seattle delicatessen Salumi has announced they are expanding their menu with a new line of convenient Charcuterie Replacement Shakes for gals on the...
Uncharismatic Dog Not Up to Task of Carrying Tinder Profile
In addition to his full schedule of dogly duties, local canine companion Mr. Beefington has reportedly not been posing charismatically enough for his owner...
Report: All Friends Vaccinated Except You, Even Fucking Brendan
A troubling report released by the CDC today has revealed that all of your friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and Insta crushes have already received their...
Boeing CEO Relieved to Learn Shower of Fiery Debris Not One of Theirs
While residents across the Pacific Northwest were captivated by a shower of fiery debris streaking across the Thursday night sky, Boeing’s CEO was reportedly...
Valentine’s Plans Include Several Torrid Encounters with Delivery Drivers
Determined to avoid a lonely Valentine’s Day, one Phinney Ridge woman has arranged a busy day filled with several tantalizing and torrid contactless encounters...
Valentine’s Day Eviction Notices to Be Delivered via Candy Gram
With Seattle’s renter eviction moratorium set to expire on Feb. 14, the Mayor’s Office announced today that they plan to soften the blow of...
Unkempt Skagit Valley Tulips Engulf La Conner
A year’s worth of out-of-control, untended-to tulips descended upon La Conner, home of last year’s cancelled Skagit Valley Tulip Festival, engulfing the bulbous town...
