FDA Bans Unleaded Baby Formula
In a long-awaited win for followers of Robert F. Kennedy Jr., today the U.S. Health Secretary announced the FDA has officially banned unleaded baby...
Hungover Pete Hegseth Mortified He Posted Military Secrets on I-5 Uncle Sam Billboard
U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly mortified after waking up this afternoon to discover he accidentally posted military secrets on the I-5...
Seattle City Council Begins Ethics Code Meeting with Brand Acknowledgment
Before introducing a bill to dismantle its financial conflict of interest ethics code, the Seattle City Council began its meeting today with a brand...
Late Pope Francis Commemorated With Pierce County’s Highest Honor: An Airbrushed State Fair Shirt
State officials today announced that the late Pope Francis would be honored with Pierce County's highest honor, an airbrushed Washington State Fair t-shirt.
"We're proud...
Line at Dick’s Taking Longer Than Blue Origin Celebrity Spaceflight
Scores of customers waiting forever in line at Dick’s came to the sobering realization today that by the time they finally get their Deluxes...
We Hope You’re Happy: Cal Raleigh Just Found Out You’ve Been Calling Him That and Now He’s Crying
Mariners star catcher Cal Raleigh was reportedly reduced to tears today after finding out the nickname Seattleites had been calling him for the past...
Sara Nelson Appoints Connorflict O’McInterest to Seattle City Council
Today Seattle City Council President Sara Nelson announced that outgoing Councilmember Cathy Moore will be replaced by newcomer Connorflict O'McInterest.
"With the unfortunate departure of...
Seattleite Emerges from Winter Cocoon as Anti-Social Butterfly
One local Seattleite reportedly emerged from his weighted-blanket chrysalis today and spread his wings as an anti-social butterfly.
"After six long months of winter isolation,...
Jordan Peterson Bursts into Tears, Cancels Climate Pledge Show After Seeing Female-Dominated Workplace
Anti-woke commentator Jordan Peterson reportedly burst into tears and cancelled his show at Climate Pledge Arena today after being confronted with a female-dominated workplace.
"I...
Mariners Opening Day to Feature ‘Hot Dogs From Hell’ Cannon Fired Directly Into Fan’s Faces
The Seattle Mariners announced plans today to follow up on their popular Hot Dogs from Heaven promotion with a new Hot Dogs from Hell...
