Seattle Mullet Association Inducts 5,000 New Members
Cheers and whoops erupted during this month’s virtual meeting of the Seattle Mullet Association as 5,000 new dues-paying members were inducted into the famed...
Target Unveils New High-Waisted Mom Masks
With the need for protective facial masks at an all-time high and Mother’s Day just around the corner, Target has unveiled the new High-Waisted...
Man Getting Laid About the Same Rate as Before Virus
According to the latest data sets recorded over the last few weeks, researchers are confirming Mountlake Terrace resident Gerald Pataki, 34, is getting laid...
Secret Service Agent Kissed in Line of Fire, Saving Joe Biden From Himself
A secret service agent was critically smooched tonight while heroically leaping to protect South Carolina Democratic primary winner, Joe Biden, from yet another attempt...
Aw! 5 Adorable STDs That Still Think They’re Scary
Like a boogeyman in the sheets, STDs once haunted us with their terrifying prospects of oozing genitalia sores, searing urination, and increased chances of...
New Amazon Alex Talks Over You at Meetings
Amazon announced today that it has equipped its Echo devices
with Alexa’s first male-voiced counterpart, Alex, which comes with the added
functionality of talking over you...
Vegan Vows to Drive All Steaks Off Mercer Island
Cursing the carnal eating of juicy, sliced-beef hindquarters at homes and restaurants across Mercer Island, vegan Wolf Michaels vowed today to rid the Lake...
Face Mask Shortage Leading to Unexpected Rise in BDSM Experimentation
Amid
severe shortages of face masks during the worldwide coronavirus pandemic, reports
are flooding in that homes across the country are experiencing a rapid rise in
BDSM...
Microsoft Windows Update Team Can Now Work Directly from Hell
With the announcement that all Microsoft employees should utilize
remote work options for the rest of the month, the Windows Update team rejoiced
as they can...
CDC Recommends Indulging in Purell Bath Bombs This #SelfCareSunday
The Center for Disease Control has announced new coronavirus guidelines today, reminding the public of the importance of practicing antibacterial self-care to safeguard against...
