Mayor Durkan Kicks Off Pride Month Festivities with Rainbow-Colored Tear Gas
Determined to reconcile with Capitol Hill—the center of Seattle’s LGBTQ community and this week’s Black Lives Matter protests against police brutality—Mayor Jenny Durkan kicked off the city’s Pride Month festivities today by surprising the...
Parents of Returning College Student Rush to Convert Sex Playroom Back to Childhood Bedroom
Issaquah parents of a Gonzaga junior experienced one of the most harrowing days of their lives today when they suddenly learned they had less than a day to convert their BDSM dungeon back into...
Dan Savage, Fremont Troll Top List of 10 Best Seattle Celebrities on Cameo
As people increasingly dump zoom calls with grandma for Cameo, a website where users pay celebrities to send them personalized video messages, a few local stars have become crowd favorites in the Seattle area....
Local Micromanager Can’t Wait to Hover Over Your Cubicle Again
Despite months of working so far away from each other, local office project manager Steve Hobbs says he can’t wait to hover over your cubicle at least 40 hours a week again.
“The time is...
New Study Confirms Cats Can’t Spread COVID-19, But Would If Given Option
A new study out of the University of Washington has left local pet owners with mixed emotions after scientists confirmed that their beloved pet cats cannot spread the COVID-19 virus, but definitely would knowingly...
Tonight at 8: Seattleites to Open Windows, Bellow Guttural Noise from Depths of Troubled Souls
To celebrate reaching peak levels of the existential dread Seattle has long been famous for, thousands of the city’s residents are expected to open their windows at 8 p.m. tonight to bellow gutteral groans...
Man Wearing Mask for First Time Learning Alarming Truths About Own Breath
As the nation continues to adjust to the new realities of life during the COVID-19 pandemic, many first-time mask wearers are learning alarming truths about the putrid stench recycling in their newly contained facial...
Spring Cleaning Put Off Until Next World-Halting Pandemic
The build-up to a local man’s much-anticipated goal of spring cleaning his home climaxed today with the sobering realization that there now isn’t enough time to do it until the next world-halting pandemic.
“Just wish...
Local Couple Expecting First Dog
After several months of keeping their secret to themselves, Julia and Connor Seblisky of Crown Hill have announced on Pinterest-inspired stationary that they are both eagerly anticipating the arrival of their first dog.
“It’s a...
New WebMD Party App Lets You Misdiagnose with Friends
In the spirit of social unity during the coronavirus pandemic, popular panic-inducing medical site WebMD has announced the launch of the new WebMD Party app, allowing users to scare themselves shitless and misdiagnose themselves...
