Child-free Couple Sticking It Out for the Dogs
Despite losing the spark for each other and subsequently much of life itself years ago, local child-free couple Jared and Alicia Hodges said today they remain resolute in their self-sacrificial decision to stick it...
ChatPNW Becomes First A.I. Capable of Passive Aggression
Today OpenAI announced its latest unprecedented advancement in artificial intelligence technology with the unveiling of ChatPNW, the first AI tool capable of passive aggression.
“To say that artfully telling people to fuck off and die...
Man Who Missed Bus Just Gonna Start New Life in West Seattle
After missing his bus back to Ballard during a weekend trip to West Seattle, one man has decided to do the sensible thing and abandon his old life and start anew in his new...
Experts Find Brown Bear Tri-color Foam Car Wash Effective Alternative to Getting High
Leading scientists concluded in a study released today that splurging for a Brown Bear tri-color foam car wash is an effective alternative to getting high.
“I only had 15 minutes between leaving work and picking...
Man Wins Seattlers of Catan by Hoarding All Gore-Tex Resources
One local man declared total victory over his opponents at Mox Boarding House today after deploying a bold “hoard all Gore-Tex resources” strategy to win the board game Seattlers of Catan.
“Everyone thought I was...
Lauren Sanchez Left at Home After Jeff Bezos Only Able to Score One Taylor Swift Ticket
Trouble in paradise is brewing for Jeff Bezos today after he made the controversial decision to leave his fiancée, Lauren Sanchez, at home when he was only able to score one ticket to see...
Tacoma Upstages Everett’s Seattle-Paine Field Airport Rebrand With New T-Pain Field
Just days after it was announced that Everett’s Paine Field is being renamed Seattle-Paine Field Airport, Tacoma quickly stole the spotlight away today with the unveiling of their own new T-Pain Field.
“Oh, okay, Seattle—I...
Crowd Cheers as Beyoncé Gets In Formation, Goes Full Lemonade on Fleet of SPD Cruisers
After a long week of waiting for anyone to punish Seattle police union leaders caught on tape laughing at the death of a young woman killed by another officer, Thursday night a relieved and...
Fallen Leaf Receives 12-hour Leaf Blower Salute
In a moving and touching tribute, today a lone fallen leaf received an entire 12-hour leaf-blower salute before being laid to rest by loyal local deciduous tree watchguard Fred Nederson.
“No single leaf is too...
“Seattle Freeze in Full Effect,” Declares Room of Transplants Not Speaking to Each Other
The Cleveland-born founder of the Seattle SuperThawNics — a new support group for lonely transplants unable to navigate their new home’s frigid, post-apocalyptic streets alone — says he’s putting an end to the Seattle...
