Ignoring Dire Warnings, Seattle Public Library Obtains Only Remaining Copy of Necronomicon
Greenlake — Seattle Public Library officials unveiled their newest prestige purchase today: The last remaining copy of the Necronomicon.
“This acquisition really makes our catalog world-class,” said Seattle Public Library spokeswoman Thisely Sindler. “The Necronomicon’s...
Study Finds 100% of People Who Say ‘No One Wants to Work Anymore’ Are Retired People Who Don’t Work Anymore
A recent study by the Center of Obvious Studies confirmed today that everyone who regularly says “no one wants to work anymore” are all old people who haven’t worked in 20 years, and have...
Office Affirms Trans Woman’s Gender by Providing Her with Significantly Lower Salary
Today a local trans woman is celebrating working at a company so affirming of her gender that her first paycheck since coming out as a woman shows they’ve already dropped her pay by an...
Man Graduates from North Face to Arc’teryx Merchandise
Loved ones wiped away happy tears this morning as Seattle resident Tim Gilman cast aside his waterproof North Face hoodie and zipped on a new Arcteryx jacket.
“Artax gear is outfitted with all of alpine...
Ben Gibbard Cuts Back Bangs for Death Cab/Postal Service Shows, Sees Fans for First Time
In an unprecedented move since the beginning of his musical career almost three decades ago, this weekend Death Cab for Cutie and Postal Service frontman Ben Gibbard cut back his signature long curtain of...
Pope Francis Loses Popemobile After Racing for Pink Slips at Kent Street Races
An international incident is brewing south of Seattle today after an impromptu pilgrimage to the Kent Street Races over the weekend resulted in Pope Francis losing his prized Popemobile after racing it for pink...
Pike Place to Improve Small Business Access by Adding Parking Inside Market
After recent debates over a car-free Pike Place Market highlighted how essential parking actually is on the small, one-way bricked street thronged with pedestrians, today the Market’s development authority said it was thrilled to...
Child-free Couple Sticking It Out for the Dogs
Despite losing the spark for each other and subsequently much of life itself years ago, local child-free couple Jared and Alicia Hodges said today they remain resolute in their self-sacrificial decision to stick it...
ChatPNW Becomes First A.I. Capable of Passive Aggression
Today OpenAI announced its latest unprecedented advancement in artificial intelligence technology with the unveiling of ChatPNW, the first AI tool capable of passive aggression.
“To say that artfully telling people to fuck off and die...
Man Who Missed Bus Just Gonna Start New Life in West Seattle
After missing his bus back to Ballard during a weekend trip to West Seattle, one man has decided to do the sensible thing and abandon his old life and start anew in his new...
