Citing Bone Spurs, Trump Vows to Eliminate Veterans Day
After realizing he had at least four more years of Veterans Days events walking around and caring about anyone but himself, today President-elect Donald...
Boeing Announces Priority Boarding for Passengers Willing to Hold Plane Together with Bare Hands
In an effort to cut down on costs for everyone in a mutually beneficial way, today Boeing announced it would provide priority boarding for...
‘See, We Concede with Class,’ Says Liberal Shitting on Latinos Online All Day
After a brutal presidential election loss Tuesday, this week one liberal shitting on Latinos online harder and longer than anyone ever shit on Nancy...
Gov. Inslee to Seize Absolute Power with Covid Protocols Any Day Now
With less than three months until the end of his third and final term as governor, sources confirm Jay Inslee is finally expected to...
Washington Elects Nation’s First Fergalicious Governor
History was made tonight when Washington state elected the nation’s first-ever Fergalicious governor, Bob Ferguson.
“Our campaign and my upper back humps took our lovely...
Mythological Sirens Pivot to Self-Help Podcasts to Lure Men to Watery Graves
While tales of mythological sirens captivating sailors with their seductive songs have long been told, the cryptids have reportedly pivoted to podcasts to lure...
City Council Shows Well-fed Pigs at State Fair
After spending all year diligently fattening them up on retroactive 23% raises plus bonuses, this month the majority of the Seattle City Council are...
Report: Chasing Approval of Total Dick Still Bad Idea
A groundbreaking report out today sent shockwaves throughout the will never learn their damn lesson community after it conclusively confirmed that chasing for approval...
“These People Drive Like Idiots,” Say 12,000 I-5 Drivers in Unison
In a display of universal synchronicity during today’s rush hour, a record 12,287 I-5 drivers collectively complained “you all drive like complete goddamn jagoffs”...
Spawning Humans Return to Auburn to Breed and Then Slowly Die
As seasons change and nature takes its course, it’s that bittersweet time of year again when spawning humans begin returning to Auburn to breed...
