After many requests to modernize and update which fascist-founded car brand he regularly eats for breakfast, today Seattle’s Fremont Troll announced he’s officially updated the Nazi car brand he’s crushing in his giant fist from Volkswagen to Tesla.
“This was admittedly long overdue. That said, wow, the portion sizes really have gone up since 1990, haven’t they?” said Fremont Troll, clutching a Cybertruck. “It was my pleasure to pluck this Tesla off the Aurora Bridge as it was hogging two lanes, even if it tastes as much like a dumpster as it looks. The kind of people inside these things are truly trash.”
Fremont Troll said watching Tesla founder and sieg heiler Elon Musk continue his quest to buy national American elections and media for fascist ends finally inspired him to modernize which hunk of vehicular steel he’d like every man, woman and child to see him destroying.
“I actually really regret not getting in on the fun vandalizing these things with everyone last year, but better late than never, right?” Fremont Troll said. “I do hate how crumbly they are, though—basically the Hidden Valley granola bars of cars.”
At press time, the Fremont Troll was disappointed to report that the Cybertruck he was looking forward to seeing Trolloween revelers light on fire this weekend had sadly already spontaneously combusted into flames.
