Public Health officials are reporting that thousands if not millions of Seattle area residents were suddenly struck in the face with spring-like rays of blinding ultra-violet light today, mercilessly ripping dilated pupils closed everywhere.
“There was no warning, no veil of clouds to cushion the blow – just smacked me straight in my poor fucking eyes,” said Terry Perkins, who was optometrically mauled this morning while stepping out to buy tortilla chips. “Can’t see a damn thing now — not that I wanted to see the San Francisco 49ers in the Super Bowl anyway. It’s missing J. Lo and Shakira shake what their mama gave them at halftime that’s hitting me hardest right now.”
Investigators are still trying to understand exactly where the burning ball of gas came from or what it wants from us.
“A Seattle winter is supposed to be nothing but a safe and predictable cascade of avalanches, landslides and floods stewing beneath a solid blanket of gray rain and fog,” said meteorologist Stan Upton, shaking his head. “And now we’ve got this menacing furnace in the sky so hot I didn’t even wear my jacket today. Hopefully by tomorrow this blinding nightmare will all be over and it’ll be back to business as usual: Rain boots, waterproof jackets, and making fun of people more effectively staying dry under umbrellas.”
At press time, blinded residents were still listening to the Super Bowl in hopes the Kansas City Chiefs absolutely ruin the Niners.
