COVID Not Mad You Forgot Anniversary, ‘It’s Fine’
Despite the two intimate years you spent intertwined in each other's lives, the COVID-19 virus is reportedly not mad that you forgot the two-year anniversary of the nation’s first reported cases last week, and...
Weary Nation May Just Have to Learn Where Ukraine Is
As Russian President Vladimir Putin brought the world closer to World War III Monday night when he officially recognized and sent troops to separatist groups in Europe, weary citizens of the United States of...
How to Honor America’s Presidents by Doing the Bare Minimum
When President’s Day Weekend rolls around, ever find yourself feeling deeply indebted to the souls of Andrew Johnson, Rutherford B. Hayes, or James K. Polk wondering how, if ever, you can honor them enough?...
Medicare-for-All Downgraded to 10 Minutes Alone with Joe Biden’s Medicine Cabinet
Democratic lawmakers announced today that they are officially backpedaling on the original promise of Medicare-for-All, instead opting for the more feasible healthcare option of giving every American ten minutes alone with Joe Biden's medicine...
Melinda and MacKenzie Announce New Initiative to Help Women at Risk of Dating Tech Bros
Two of the richest women in the world—divorcees of tech billionaires Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates—announced today that for this year’s season of giving they would be giving away much more than millions of...
The Next Kyrsten Sinema? This Woman Isn’t Planning on Doing Shit Today Either
Hot on the colorful heels of the Arizona senator’s refusal to attempt even the most basic duties of her elected office, a Capitol Hill woman is being hailed as the next Kyrsten Sinema for...
Mental Health Significantly Worse After Logging on Facebook to Post About Mental Health Day
While advocates for mental health awareness applauded well-intentioned social media efforts on World Mental Health Day, experts warned that just three minutes on the hellish website could nullify years of therapy.
“I logged on to...
Angel of Death Thrilled to Announce U.S. Annual Mortality Rate Up by Over 15%
In news which shocked no one, the Angel of Death proudly announced in an annual business review today that the U.S. Annual Mortality Rate has increased by almost 16 percent since the start of...
‘I Won’t Pass a 20-Year War onto Another President,’ Says President Passing 50-Year War on Drugs to Another President
In an honest and courageous address to the nation today, President Joe Biden bravely stood by his decision to not pass an expensive and failed 20-year war in Afghanistan to another president to whom...
Gig Economy App LüpHole Offers New, Innovative Way to Pay People Less Than Minimum Wage
In a move Silicon Valley business experts say could give gig companies like Doordash, Uber and Postmates a run for their money, new startup LüpHole says it’s offering the general public an even more...
