Amazon to Withhold Bananas Until Morale Improves
Frustrated with Amazon workers’ slower productivity after being forced to work in the office again, especially during its busiest time of year, today Amazon...
Florida Man Arrested for Stealing Pitbull’s Identity
After a months-long pursuit, today a Florida man was arrested in Miami for committing an alleged identity fraud of beloved Cuban-American rapper Pitbull.
“When we...
Report: Only People with PhD in Middle Eastern Studies Allowed to Stop Genocide
A report released today by self-described real experts on the Middle East concluded that you’re gonna need a literal PhD in Middle Eastern Studies...
‘There Is No Justification for Terrorism,’ Says Man Justifying Genocide
Today it was bravely declared that there is no justification for terrorism—no history or circumstances past, present, or future—by a man justifying the far...
Orca Pod Escalates War on Wealthy After Knocking Blue Origin Spaceship Out of Orbit
A local orca pod’s war on the wealthy has once again escalated after a spacefaring orcas successfully knocked a Blue Origin spacecraft out of...
West Coast Engulfed in Cloud of Rats Fleeing New York Wildfire Smoke
A beautiful day along the West Coast of laughing and rolling eyes at the East Coast for finally taking a turn at experiencing the...
Bezos Surprised, Delighted More People Suddenly Support Him Going Back to Space for Some Reason
Admittedly a little crestfallen so many people criticized his first trip to outer space two years ago, billionaire and former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos...
Elon Musk Cheers OceanGate on Success of Submersible Implosion
Even though the ill-fated Titan did not accomplish all of its desired mission goals this week, today CEO Elon Musk tweeted congratulations to OceanGate...
Report: 99% of Nation Totally Willing to Go Along with Flag Day for Chance at Day Off
Despite 99 percent of the nation never really knowing why the seemingly redundant patriotic holiday exists in the first place, a new study shows...
Enthusiastic Feminist Accidentally Shatters Debt Ceiling
The nation’s debt ceiling came crashing down today after an enthusiastic feminist flew straight through it, accidentally thinking it was the glass ceiling that’s...
