A beautiful day along the West Coast of laughing and rolling eyes at the East Coast for finally taking a turn at experiencing the horror of choking wildfire smoke came to a sudden end today when a giant cloud of rats escaping a too-polluted New York City engulfed the entire Pacific Coast from Seattle to LA.
“Look at those babies over there in NYC struggling to breathe like a bunch of noobs,” said one Seattle resident who went from looking at photos of people coughing their lungs out on the Brooklyn Bridge to just moments later being overtaken by a panicked mob of rodents. “What a world! What a world! Who could have thought karma for laughing at other people’s pain would literally bite me in the ass this fast—and this much! Wtf—are these Philly rats or something? Ahhhhhh!”
As word of their rat neighbors’ mass migration to the West Coast spread, New Yorkers locked inside and away from literally the worst air quality in the world at the moment just shook their head at the way the West Coast was handling it.
“Look at those vanilla losers instantly freaking out about rats nibbling on their ears a little bit,” snorted Lower Manhattan resident Raquel Chester. “All you have to do if you’re not into it is clamp down your toilet seat with vice grips every time you use it, or just never step outside ever again – it’s easy. Personally, I think they’re even kind of cute, and I wish my friends Cheezmonzter, Ratatoofie and William well on their new home behind the Capitol Hill Dick’s Drive-in.”
At press time, the West Coast was eagerly awaiting its inevitable next dose of Canadian wildfire smoke to fumigate the cloud of rats back to the East Coast and return each side of the country to their respective comfort zones of suffering.
