God Crushes Earth in Hydraulic Press for TikTok Video
The Judeo-Christian God went viral today on TikTok after placing the planet earth within his at-home hydraulic press and crushing it until it exploded into a trillion microscopic pieces.
“I had originally spent most of...
Uvalde Police Department Unveils New Thin Yellow Line Flag
To commemorate all the bodily fluids lost while assaulting parents trying to rescue their children from an active shooter, today the Uvalde Police Department announced its officers would now cover their uniforms, cars and...
Florida Bans ‘LGBTQ’ from Alphabet
In his latest attempt to block Floridians' exposure to homosexuality, today Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis issued a declaration to officially ban the letters L, G, B, T and Q from the public school curriculum's...
‘Congress Is Trash,’ Says Man Whose Record of Voting Is Also Trash
Today the main federal legislative body of the longest-running democracy in the history of human civilization is reportedly complete and utter trash, according to a local man whose lifelong record of voting is also...
Half-staff Flag Just Gonna Stay There a While
One local American flag announced today that it has decided it’s just gonna stick around at half-staff for a while.
“Frankly, I’m exhausted from running up and down this flagpole every time an unspeakable tragedy...
‘Student Loan Debt is the Latest Casualty of the Cancel Culture Cabal,’ Tweets Man from Yacht
One local hero bravely stood up to the woke mob today when he courageously took a moment from drinking straight out of an $800 bottle of champagne on his yacht to tweet out his...
Trickle-Down Economics’ Historic 40-Year Drought Definitely Ending Any Decade Now
As the trickle-down economics policy popularized by President Ronald Reagan enters its 41st year, local economic forecasters maintained that the theory’s historic drought—which has never not been a drought—would be ending any decade now.
“We...
Howard Schultz Enacts Anti-Union ‘Don’t Say Pay’ Policy at Starbucks
In an effort to curb a burgeoning unionization movement, today Starbucks Interim CEO Howard Schultz announced he’s instituting a “Don’t Say Pay” policy at all their locations nationwide.
“Every day, people violating our traditional ways...
Sen. Patty Murray Busted Embezzling Extra Hour of Sunshine
Just weeks after spearheading a legislative effort to make Daylight Savings Time permanent, U.S. Senator for Washington State Patty Murray was busted embezzling the additional hour of sunshine.
“These allegations are patently false—I’m just as...
CDC Recommends Breaking Up No Later Than Feb. 12 for Feb. 15 Rekindling
Ever the authority on clear, definitive health guidelines, today the CDC issued new protocols for those wishing to initiate a strategic, Valentine’s Day-circumventing breakup.
“After initiating the breakup no later than the 12th, we urge...
