Team of Male Scientists Discover Moisturizer Also Good for Moisturizing
Lauded as the most exciting scientific discovery of the decade, an all-male material sciences lab has announced Jergens Daily Moisturizer for Dry Hands can...
‘Ghost of Black Friday Past’ Tramples Man and Takes His TV To Remind Him of True Meaning of Holiday
Today one man received a strong reminder of the importance of holiday spending season after the Ghost of Black Friday Past trampled him and...
Nation’s Relatives Enjoy Most Peaceful Thanksgiving in Years After Agreeing They Hate Biden, Not Getting Into Why
After years of holiday dinners spiraling out of control at the inevitable mention of anything slightly political, today the nation’s relatives enjoyed the most...
Biden Continues Unconditional Support for Israel As It Begins Bombing East Palestine, Ohio
In a national address tonight, President Joe Biden re-affirmed that the United States will continue its unconditional support for Israel even as it began...
Temporary Ceasefire Declared So America Can Fully Focus On Denying Own Genocidal Occupation for Thanksgiving
In a gracious show of solidarity between the nations, today Israel agreed to a temporary ceasefire on Gaza so that its closest ally—the United...
Amazon to Withhold Bananas Until Morale Improves
Frustrated with Amazon workers’ slower productivity after being forced to work in the office again, especially during its busiest time of year, today Amazon...
Florida Man Arrested for Stealing Pitbull’s Identity
After a months-long pursuit, today a Florida man was arrested in Miami for committing an alleged identity fraud of beloved Cuban-American rapper Pitbull.
“When we...
Report: Only People with PhD in Middle Eastern Studies Allowed to Stop Genocide
A report released today by self-described real experts on the Middle East concluded that you’re gonna need a literal PhD in Middle Eastern Studies...
‘There Is No Justification for Terrorism,’ Says Man Justifying Genocide
Today it was bravely declared that there is no justification for terrorism—no history or circumstances past, present, or future—by a man justifying the far...
Orca Pod Escalates War on Wealthy After Knocking Blue Origin Spaceship Out of Orbit
A local orca pod’s war on the wealthy has once again escalated after a spacefaring orcas successfully knocked a Blue Origin spacecraft out of...
