Half of America Celebrates Independence Day by Moving to Canada
Millions of Americans celebrated Independence Day today by patriotically packing everything they own up and moving out to live on their own in Canada.
“You...
Vote-Blue-No-Matter-Who Voter Actually Just Really Into Corpses
Today a voter who’s been swearing up and down for months that they’d vote for any Democrat over Trump—even a literal corpse of one—admitted...
Americans Dutifully Follow Biden-Trump Presidential Debate’s No-Audience Rule
Despite very much wanting to listen to two wise, old men with Oval Office experience expound on the best path forward for the best...
Study Finds Heart Attack Risk Highest In People About to Be Passed on Sidewalk by E-Scooter
Today heart researchers at the University of Washington announced that the chances of experiencing a heart attack are highest among people about to be...
Man Achieves Nuclear Fusion Breakthrough With Extra 5 Minutes Boss ‘Gave Back’ to Him After Meeting Ended Early
A stunning scientific milestone was achieved today after a Seattle-based graphic designer achieved stable nuclear fusion generation with the extra time their boss "gave...
Congress Rushes to Draft Emergency Legislation on Israel-Palestine War to Ban Macklemore
Afraid support for Israel’s relentless assaults on Palestine could further wane without taking quick action, Congress is reportedly rushing to draft bipartisan emergency legislation...
Heartbreaking: Boeing Layoffs Hit Whistleblower Assassin Department
After a disastrous financial quarter that saw a $355 million loss, today Boeing announced that its latest round of cost-saving layoffs would affect hundreds...
Biden Vows That Things in Gaza Would Be Different If He Was President
President Joe Biden finally took a tough stance on the continuing atrocities being committed in Gaza today, vowing that things would be very different...
Amazon Ends ‘Just Walk Out’ Shopping, Announces ‘Just Walk Out’ Layoffs
After Amazon announced last week that they are ending use of its “Just Walk Out” checkout-free shopping at its grocery stores, today the retail...
Boeing Kindly Offers to Fly All Whistleblowers to Their Court Dates on 737 MAX
In a show of cooperation with federal investigations and lawsuits questioning the safety of its plane assembly line practices and policies, today Boeing announced...
