U.S. Prison Laborers Still Waiting for Union Army to Show Up and Declare Slavery Over
As the US celebrated Juneteenth—the day Union troops finally arrived in Texas to free black people from slavery—black people still forced to do free...
JD Vance Sued by Ex-Couch for Failing to Pay Ottoman Support
After spending the week denying allegations that he’s had extramarital sexual relations with a couch, today damning legal records confirm he’s not only copulated...
Local MAGA Man Just Wants More Freedom to Take Away All Your Freedoms
After heated political rhetoric about conservatives’ Project 2025 plans allegedly led to political violence over the weekend when former president Donald Trump was almost...
‘Our Country Is Better Than This,’ Says Country That Has Never Been Better Than This
Today millions of citizens of a country that is not even close to being better than this and never has been talked about how...
Boeing to Leave Starliner Stuck in Space to Prove It Still Makes Things That Don’t Fall Out of the Sky
After days of speculation about when it will be able to safely detach from the International Space Station and return to Earth, today Boeing...
Sharks Attempt to Repair Image By Eating Their Way Through Forbes 500 List
Following a series of highly publicized attacks on yachts by orca pods, sharks have reportedly jumped on the bandwagon in an attempt to repair...
Half of America Celebrates Independence Day by Moving to Canada
Millions of Americans celebrated Independence Day today by patriotically packing everything they own up and moving out to live on their own in Canada.
“You...
Vote-Blue-No-Matter-Who Voter Actually Just Really Into Corpses
Today a voter who’s been swearing up and down for months that they’d vote for any Democrat over Trump—even a literal corpse of one—admitted...
Americans Dutifully Follow Biden-Trump Presidential Debate’s No-Audience Rule
Despite very much wanting to listen to two wise, old men with Oval Office experience expound on the best path forward for the best...
Study Finds Heart Attack Risk Highest In People About to Be Passed on Sidewalk by E-Scooter
Today heart researchers at the University of Washington announced that the chances of experiencing a heart attack are highest among people about to be...
