Amazon to Offer Prime Deliveries Packed by Certified Humane® “Free Range” Warehouse Workers
Today Amazon announced it’s stepping up once again to solve world problems of their own creation by offering, for a nominal fee, deliveries packaged by Certified Humane® “Free Range” warehouse workers.
“For an additional $5...
Alexa Finally Free After Jeff Bezos Uses Third and Final Wish To Travel Into Space
Alexa, a spirit bound by circular speaker walls for millennia, is now free to return to human form after granting her former master, Jeff Bezos, his third and final wish to travel into outer...
Jeff Bezos Just Wondering If He Can Still Write Off MacKenzie’s Charitable Donations
After a year of witnessing his ex-wife MacKenzie follow through on her Giving Pledge commitment to donate most of her $38 billion divorce settlement fortune to charities, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos reportedly checked in...
Ted Cruz Tragically Still Alive at 50
After being forced to watch Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson return from space with no consequences for their continued pillaging of the planet and mankind, America was dealt a further blow today after learning...
Independent Intergalactic Bookstore Already Out of Business
Despite being in space for less than 10 minutes, reports are pouring in that Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin venture into outer space has already caused several galaxy-wide brick-and-mortar bookstores to close up shop.
“As of...
‘No Labor Laws in Space,’ Mumbles Jeff Bezos at Press Conference
At a press conference the afternoon before Jeff Bezos blasts off into space on his Blue Origin rocket Tuesday morning at 6 a.m. Pacific, several reporters swear they heard the Amazon founder utter “no...
Experts Say Fear of Delta Variant Totally Acceptable Excuse for Avoiding People You Can’t Stand
Experts at the CDC have announced that using fear of the Delta variant of COVID-19 is a completely acceptable excuse for continuing to avoid people in your life that you simply can’t stand.
“Of course...
I’m Richard Branson and This Is Why I’m Prematurely Ejaculating Into Outer Space
Hey, it’s Sir Richie, your favorite billionaire. I just wanted to clear up a few things before I suddenly thrust myself to heaven and back so much sooner than anyone initially expected. Contrary to...
Quiz: Are You In Love With Them or Did They Just Vaccinate You Against a Deadly Disease 5 Minutes Ago?
When they asked you to roll up your shirt sleeve, you: a. Felt overwhelming gratefulness and expressed thanks as you did just that.b. Took one look at their mysteriously masked visage, set your Spotify...
Desperate CDC Release Genetically Enhanced Super Surgeon to Speed Up Vaccine Rollout
After a broken freezer put hundreds of COVID-19 vaccinations in danger of expiring last night, the CDC reportedly unleashed for the first time a genetically enhanced super surgeon to Seattle’s Swedish Medical Center to...
