Semi Bird Continues to Not Be Sue Bird
Despite their best efforts, several frustrated Washington state voters are reporting the unfortunate news that Republican gubernatorial candidate Semi Bird continues to not be WNBA and Seattle Storm legend Sue Bird.
“Every time I see...
REI Reports Record Sales of Affordable Housing
After years of struggling to survive stiff competition from online competitors, today REI said things were finally turning around for the company as it reported record sales of affordable housing.
“Things are going so well...
Shocking Report Finds Cle Elum Actually Nowhere Near Enumclaw
Despite seeming like nearby rural cities that were both named by a pioneer named Cleetus, a shocking report released today confirms that the communities of Cle Elum and Enumclaw are in fact actually nowhere...
SPD to Receive 23% Retroactive Raise, or 4% for Every Officer Present on January 6th
The tentative Seattle Police Officers’ Guild contract released this week includes a 23% retroactive wage bump that was calculated by increasing their wage almost 4% for each of the six SPD officers present during...
Overpopulated Tech Bros Airlifted and Relocated to Olympic Peninsula
With mating season just around the corner, Seattle Parks and Recreation has already gotten to work on relocating the city’s overpopulated herds of tech bros to the Olympic Peninsula.
“The fellas mean well, but...
Chaotic Incident Wipes Out Entire City of Tacoma, Reports CNN
CNN and many other of the nation’s most trusted media outlets are reporting that some kind of chaotic incident this afternoon has apparently taken out the entire city of Tacoma.
“It seems that at about...
Citing Need to Attract More Assholes, SPD Adds Teslas to Fleet
After years of struggling to recruit enough assholes into its ranks, today the City of Seattle said it would be adding Teslas to its Seattle Police Department’s cruiser fleet.
“It takes a lot more than...
Seattle Welcomes Spring with Deafening Citywide Rattling of Iced Lattes
This week Seattle excitedly welcomed the return of the sun, clear skies and warmer weather with a deafening citywide rattling of the first iced lattes residents have had in months.
“I know Seattle usually makes...
Natalie’s Boyfriend Sweeps WA Primary with Flood of ‘Uncommitted’ Votes
As the first wave of Washington state primary election results came in Tuesday night, it became quickly clear that Natalie’s boyfriend Trevor had already won a decisive victory with an unprecedented number of votes...
Seattle Makes Appointment For STI Screening After Gum Wall Spreads to Bezos Balls
A panicked Seattle made a last-minute doctor's appointment for an STI screening today after noticing the gum wall had spread all the way to its Bezos Balls.
“I thought it was just a topical gum...
