Tim Eyman Slips in Initiative Declaring He ‘Does Not Look Like an Ancient Harvest Idol Carved from a Rotten Turnip’
It’s election season in Seattle, and that can only mean one thing:
A bulbous ballot stuffed with Tim Eyman-authored initiatives designed to skirt
any concern for the general well-being of the community. But this time Eyman
managed...
Seattle City Council Candidate Beff Jezos Surges In Polls Following Massive Campaign Donation From Amazon
As the Seattle City Council race continues to heat up, emerging candidate
Beff Jezos has surged in the polls following a slew of donations from Amazon.
While his poll numbers grow, many have accused Jezos of...
Sunshine Soon to be Replaced by Eternal, Inescapable Darkness
By Seadiff Nass, Needling Meteorologist
The forecast isn’t looking good. No, my friend,
it looks grim indeed.
I’ve been studying my meteorological charts and
my radars, and the number of spiders on trees, fences, and bushes. That comfy
non-waterproof...
Minutes Before Hot Ohio Debate, Sen. Elizabeth Warren Still Obsessively Fantasizing About Seattle
With time running out to psych herself up for a highly anticipated debate with Ohio’s swing-state audience tonight, democratic presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren found herself struggling to get her record-setting rally of 15,000...
Proposed ‘Shitty Drink Tax’ Sets Sights on LaCroix
Intended as a counterpart to the sugary drink tax, Seattle voters will decide next month whether to approve or reject a tax on LaCroix, also known as the "Shitty Drink Tax."
“While the sugary drink...
Neighbors Report Soon-to-Arrive Seattle Resident Has Already Left
Neighbors who had eagerly anticipated avoiding any social interaction whatsoever with new prospective Seattle renter Russ Hastings were pleasantly surprised to hear news today that he had already left.
Local Seattle historian and moss...
Elementary School Bus Races Minivan with Oregon Plates
Tire squeals and burned rubber left startled parents and teachers searching for answers in front of Everett’s Fairmount Elementary School, where two traffic law-flouting dragsters took off like madmen today.
“We heard our bus driver...
Thousands of Engineers Flee Rainier Beach Suffering From Premature Gentrification
A large group of prospective Apple employees have fled the Seattle neighborhood of Rainier Beach this week after reportedly suffering from a mass onset of premature gentrification.
“When I moved here from Cupertino, we expected...
New Capitol Hill Streetcar to Travel 2-Block Trek from Frankie & Jo’s to Mighty-O’s
With the overdue and overbudget First Avenue Streetcar project on ice after a canceled contract, the City of Seattle announced Friday that it would instead fund a much-awaited Capitol Hill streetcar that will carry...
Genetically Enhanced ‘Super Doodle’ Escapes Rover HQ, Does Heckin’ Good Job Terrorizing Belltown
Seattle’s Belltown neighborhood is left in shambles today after a hulking, mutated ‘Super Doodle’ escaped overnight from a top-secret experimental lab housed within the headquarters of Rover, the popular gig-economy dog-service leader.
Authorities are still...
