Swedish Hospital Introduces New Do-It-Yourself Heart Transplant Kits
Those on the long waitlist for heart transplants are in for a shock: Swedish Hospital just announced today that it will be rolling out...
Jeff Bezos Donates 2 Million Human Lungs to Bolster Coronavirus Relief Efforts
Much needed help materialized for coronavirus-inundated medical staff today when local billionaire and reluctant philanthropist Jeff Bezos arrived at Harborview Medical Center with truckloads...
Transplant in Shock Following Seattle Native’s Voluntary Wave, Eye Contact
Local California transplant Jenny Silverlake is still in shock tonight following an evening walk in which a Seattle-born neighbor voluntarily waved and greeted her...
Ship Collides with Giant Sewer Ball of Lysol Wipes in Puget Sound
Seattle, WA – A Carnival Freedom cruise ship struck a large trashberg of Lysol wipes floating in the middle of Puget Sound this afternoon,...
Op-Ed: While You Were All Out Buying Toilet Paper, I Bought All the Toilets
Well look at you, stuffing your shelves with all that toilet paper. Bet you thought you were gonna have yourself a nice shit, relax...
Firefighters Waiting for You to Sleep So They Can Really Crank New Siren
Firefighters at West Seattle’s Fire Station 36 are reportedly psyched about their brand new siren and are waiting until the next time you’ve reached...
Millennial Homeowner Branded Witch, Pelted with Avocado Toast in Town Square
A raucous scene erupted today after it was discovered that a local millennial actually owns her own home, prompting neighboring renters to brand her...
Morning Sidewalk Traffic Report: Couple Just Fucking Standing There
Pedestrians have been backed up in multiple directions and taking detours all morning due to a couple stalled in the left sidewalk lane, reportedly...
Extrovert Enters Fifth Grueling Week of Introvert Bootcamp
Five weeks after enrolling in a mandatory home-based introvert bootcamp program led by roommates who grew up in Seattle, local extrovert and Texas transplant...
God Unleashes Plague of Beautiful Sunny Days to Blight People in Quarantine
After driving Seattle residents into their homes last month to quarantine away from a pandemic, God has unveiled Part 2 of his dastardly plan...
