Firefighters Waiting for You to Sleep So They Can Really Crank New Siren
Firefighters at West Seattle’s Fire Station 36 are reportedly psyched about their brand new siren and are waiting until the next time you’ve reached a deep, fulfilling slumber before testing it out. “We’re really...
Millennial Homeowner Branded Witch, Pelted with Avocado Toast in Town Square
A raucous scene erupted today after it was discovered that a local millennial actually owns her own home, prompting neighboring renters to brand her a witch and pelt her with artisan, hand-crafted avocado toasts...
Morning Sidewalk Traffic Report: Couple Just Fucking Standing There
Pedestrians have been backed up in multiple directions and taking detours all morning due to a couple stalled in the left sidewalk lane, reportedly oblivious to how they really need to keep it fucking...
Extrovert Enters Fifth Grueling Week of Introvert Bootcamp
Five weeks after enrolling in a mandatory home-based introvert bootcamp program led by roommates who grew up in Seattle, local extrovert and Texas transplant Brock Higgins says his sanity is holding on by a...
God Unleashes Plague of Beautiful Sunny Days to Blight People in Quarantine
After driving Seattle residents into their homes last month to quarantine away from a pandemic, God has unveiled Part 2 of his dastardly plan to punish the city for its wicked ways: A series...
Local Woman Quickly Running Out of Spaces to Organize
Friends and family are growing increasingly concerned for one local woman who is dangerously close to running out of closets, drawers and shelves to organize.
Northgate resident Lisa Wheeler is reportedly on her last few...
Joe Biden Vows to Bring Troops Home from Vietnam, Work with Soviets on Détente
Wilmington, Delaware – In a statement livestreamed from the depths of his basement office, Joe Biden vowed today to unite both progressive and moderate wings of the Democratic Party with what many are considering...
Report: Grandma Still Waiting for You to Call
Multiple sources including your parents are reporting that your sweet old grandmother is currently still sitting in her big chair, half-watching I Love Lucy, half glancing over to the landline phone every five minutes...
Our Top 6 Real Fake News Headlines Mistaken for Fake Real News
Here at The Needling, we take our credibility as Seattle’s Only Real Fake News as seriously as possible. We say it at the top of our website and repeat it in our mission statement...
Marie Kondo Sheds Single Tear as Pickup Truck Full of Toilet Paper Speeds By
A peaceful day of tidying up was interrupted this afternoon when international minimalist sensation Marie Kondo witnessed a pickup truck hauling a 10-foot high tower of toilet paper, prompting her to shed a tear...
